Friday, February 19, 2010

friendship

Hmmmm what was i going to say? Last night, nothing happened, really nothing gained or lost, but somehow it shattered me, it were just words that i read, promises made and not kept, promises of friendship, and it's not even that they are not kept, i know he still loves me in a certain way.
Just not in the way i would like it.

This week i had all sorts of beautiful insights.
I know that in a way i create my own life, i even know how it works. Well how lucky can i get? I have had many instances when wandering down the path, a thought arise and next thing i know it is a reality. I marvel, and come out of the woods in awe, standing on the mountain.

That's how he appeared, all sweet nothingness, and now nothing has gone:)
I realized this week that my happiness is still based on outcomes. fields of happiness interconnected with my past and future.

I am all for living in the moment, but i wonder now if that moment truly stands on its own. Maybe you out there knows all this, please enlighten me. because i am clueless again.

Okay this is it, i search for bliss coming truly from within. Because i do believe that is the essence, i know when i am there, grace flows over abundantly in all i see and do. I know, because i've been there.

i did stand on the mountain top, i stood in the greenest valley you can imagine, just underneath it's frozen peak, water flowing beneath my feet, the wind blowing powerfully. blessed blessed me. thanks

4 comments:

TechnoBabe said...

Remove the "but..." after saying " I am all for living in the moment". At least that is how I have to be in my life. It sounds like you were looking to someone outside yourself to make you happy. Maybe you didn't truly mean "it shattered me". Maybe you were simply somewhat hurt. Getting some hurt feelings along the way is one way to gauge how healthy you are. Do you give other the power to hurt you deeply? Anyway, we all have to figure out how to deal with our own version of disappointments. I am sorry you aren't as happy as you want to be. I hope that you begin to feel better as each day goes by and build up strength in reality and not in hope. This is hard for other people to give any advice. Like I said, each person has to deal with their own stuff and no matter how much other people care, you still have to take care of yourself. That was one of the biggest lessons in my life. Smile. Take care of yourself.

L. said...

Jozien Jozien Jozien... Fair Jozien.

I think the word shattered can almost be the right word... But you are so whole too...

I feel this sometimes -- shattered and whole at the same time -- like a mirror still in a frame -- broken but held together... and maybe all the pieces reflecting slight differences...

Oh that darn love! And more love. And the right type of love! And the love that matches our own love!

And the moment Now. Where you can live. You are fine, right now. Christopher held me in a lot of now moments when I could not see how to make it to the next moment...

But I have a but too... where the past and the future collide with now and all that I have been and all that I will be seem to clamering for attention...

Maybe that is what Now is anyway -- the accumulation and acceptance of time in its cycle...

I don't know. I know very little. I am just going for the ride, I have decided. I wish you lived closer so we could go for the ride together....

And bliss from within... well, I find that sometimes -- very often when I sit here and read your blog -- I find something more within myself ...

blessed blessed you, Jozien, my friend...

Sue said...

Sometimes shattering is something to be savored, I have felt that way sometimes at least. Yearning is beautiful in its own way, and Bittersweet is lovely even when it is sad. And living for the moment is so hard to really DO... even if it is the right idea...

jozien said...

THANK YOU GIRLS!!! you are all so wonderful. thanks for your wise words, i am reading them over and over.....