Saturday, January 30, 2010


It wasn't the moon
it was a pink flamingo
mars shines bright
but no moon
a coyote ran off with it


This blogging always has me reading a lot. Just this week Liz at; In a nutshell out of order, had me go up to the attic to find my old Fairy Tale books. I am reading Brothers Grimm now once again. Liz, my personal Fairy Tale for now is, Jorinde and Joringel. Although my favorite used to be, 'Duimpje de wereld in'. i will translate that some time, as it is rather fitting.
Today i got a comment that just said; Belle of Amherst. I still don't know what the comment reverts to. (Thanks for the nice music, Ghost) But Belle of Amherst is Emily Dickinson. I own an edition with all her poems. i don't own many books, beside field guides for flowers. To me it is interesting, that i actually own the book. I have not opened it for years????
And for just looking go to Anja
She has a beautiful! photo of the moon.
And in the middle of typing this all i go outside to see the moon. It is up! and there is a brilliant star right below it.
As i haven't written the post i intended to write tonight, i do like to add here. That i feel so good that i found my old self back, the one that is always running around getting excited by way too many things. Thanks! and see you, gotta go


Friday, January 29, 2010


I sing and dance again
not too feel happy
but because i am happy

Life is a mystery
is it the stories
is it the soft weather
is it the biggest moon
behind the clouds

About yesterday's black hole, which by the way, wasn't a dark thing, but really quite bright. The words sorted themselves out indeed. And the tumbling of words i felt after, was not because of one happening, but all the words of all different events yesterday, where pulled in, in that one black hole.

there was me coming home after 2 busy days
there was the hitchhiker,
there were a friend and an elk
there were emails that touched me deeply different ways
and then there was the moon and mars bright in the sky

The hitchhiker, i would not have taken him, if i wasn't traveling with my son. I choose and pick, what i pick up. After he talking, talking, he said his name is Dan Chisholm. My husband is Don Chisholme! When he got out of the car, we glanced at him getting out of the backseat. And Alexander and i both looked in surprise; he even looked like our own Don.

Then we come upon an accident scene. A car hit an elk on the highway. The friend is okay, the elk not, and the car; oh well it still ran. And that's were i make this in a short story as all the excitement is now gone. Another friend, who came upon the scene, phoned me after; they had phoned the Game Branch, they came out, and took care of the animal and at least our friend with the badly damaged car was able to salvage some of the meat.

And these emails..... oh they are private
they all filled me with love
one made me happy, you can read it's content on my other blog, the private one:)
one made me sad,
one made me glad, for having such a true friend
and one, well that one was from my 'inside man' who gives me updates on... a certain person's activities.

The moon hides too, it is supposed to be especially big tonight, with mars to the left and the beehive to the right. It is truly an awesome sight if you get to see it.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

false alarm

Okay, what was i going to write;
the trees free of their load
they sprang back
to their old form
no more arrows pointing
to stars in the sky
no more bending backwards
becoming one with earth
just some snowballs
hanging on for dear life

Oh, i restarted my computer and everything was back to normal, everything still there.
Just an exercise in accepting the Nothingness of my existence, i suppose.
(see last post)
You know i did feel kind of a slight panic, what if...
There was also a sense of freedom in it.
Starting with a clean sheet. oh well.


I was going to write a nice post, how all the snow is coming off the trees, how it feels so fresh.
Well i wonder if i am up for a new start here in computer world too.
All my personal stuff is gone, everything.
This is it, i have access to Internet, that's it.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

one out of three

You know what happened yesterday!!!
After writing my post and talking about the headwaters of the Mendenhal River, Don said to me to me; do you want to come to Hutshi Lake tomorrow?
Hutshi Lake is the headwaters of Taye Lake.
To me that would be how miracles work, you put an idea out there and somehow it happens.
Only it did not happen :) but it almost did!
Well i did come along with him and his hunting partner, only we decided to take another direction. Can you guess?.... Yes,the Mendenhall River Meadows again. We reach the river at sunrise Just before the river, we meet some other hunters. Three of them from Australia. I like that, don't you? From all that heat down under, they are here in the middle of the snow up north.
Oh this post should have been called two out of four. Because after a few hours another surprise takes place. You maybe know by now, how my husband used to be; it had to be always his idea. Anyway he lets me show him the bridge over Pond Creek.
So at one point he lets me take the lead on my skidoo, and i have to guide them to this bridge. There is a trail, but it is narrow and not broken, as in, nobody has travelled on it this winter. We can't cross the creek without that bridge, because the creek is emerald green, lots of overflow, water on the ice. On this narrow trail we follow that now beautiful green creek. And i do find the bridge. It's under water!
Not much and we sail over it. Across we even find Bison tracks. No Bison though, which is what we are hunting.
We do search for another few hours, but no luck. But it is a wonderful day, above us blue sky and it is warmish weather. The weather did change from snowy to sunny today and weather changes sometime come with wind.
When we arrived home there was 'music' in the yard.

Not a very good picture, as the music was slow and soft, but the snow from the trees is coming down!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

more about the river and me

Okay, on this 'winding path' i did find part of my 'old' self back. As lately i wasn't feeling so great, today i feel more like my old self.
Which is, before starting to write, feeling anxious in what to do, shall i paint or shall i write, shall i write this or write about that other idea?

I know this as very much me, and feel good about it. Way better then where i was last month, and had no clue what i wanted to do. Whereas when i was truly what i write about in my profile, that time i was very focused, i wanted to be out there and do my thing and after i would share it on-blog. But this feeling now of being pulled by different passions, it's very good! For me at least.

My profile here on-blog, is no longer accurate for this time in my life, I feel the wild places, can do without me for a while, they manage quite well :) Nevertheless the wilderness surrounding me is still very much part of who i am, don't worry.

Anyway what i really want to say... yes what do i want to say? I keep procrastinating. Because before exposing myself; The snow is still on the trees, no big storm came by and blew it all off. This is going to be a long story :)

Okay i will first talk about my river, see last post. The stretch i drew it from Google Earth, is like the crow flies only 3 km long. Don and i travelled it with the skidoo, from one blue x to the other and back. As we had now way of knowing where we were. After we came back we studied air photos. Where you see the two little ponds, i know of a way across to the meadows. Now the only entry is by the blue x on the right and then there is an entry at the 911-pond, another say 5km. But as you see the 2km we travelled, all the loops and bends, probably more like 8 km.
Really this kind of travel is not goal-oriented. As it is not the shortest route from a to b.

So what does that mean in my life. I was so goal-oriented, now i am..... more in the mendenhall river flow period of my life.

You know i don't get anywhere, in what i wanted to say; Beautiful Taye lake the headwaters of the river, still 20km north of this stretch i drew, and the mouth of the river, where it flows into the Takhini river, 20km to the east. And from beginning to end a very winding river, i would have to write a book, to get there.

the river

take me
take me my love
on your sled
take me down that frozen river
winding is our path
any obstacle
you remove it
you are my strenght
and i'm your heart

the path of my river, the mendenhall.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

i keep my fire going

The snow still on the trees
maybe even more heavily
or heavenly?
the birch and willows
bending deeply
the spruce and pine
arrows pointing to the sky
yet everyday so different
i look forward to tomorrow
how about today?
today i like to skip
i do not like
to be held to ransom
me making decisions
about my life
i don't know
if i can handle
such responsibility

cut wood
stoke the fire

i'm lucky
i have a saw
and glowing embers

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

boreal chickadee

The concert of falling snow still hasn't taken place.
Only some treetops were cleared of snow by the wind over the weekend.
Yesterday new snow fell and hoarfrost always seems to grow.
Lots of birds song though. On this beautiful day they are very active. My three Ravens keep me company on my ski. They talk and fly in wide circles around me. Like as in.... a maybe as big as a ten kilometre radius. So first i don't think much of it,as they disappear all the time, but as they keep coming back, i realize they are enjoying this magical ski, sunshine, blue skies and ice crystal in the air, with me. When at home they eat from my compost for a while.
The Gray Jays and Magpies are eating my compost all day. A woodpecker drumming in the distance. And some where on my tour i come upon a group of chickadees. Black-capped and Boreals together.
This one a Boreal Chickadee, hanging from the tree, looking for... hibernating insects, insect eggs, cocoons, i actually don't know.

I ski North on my already set trail, comming upon my beachtrail, i decide to turn west. Skiing over animal trails, so i don't sink in too deep. Following this ridge the terrain is flat, that is the nice thing about beaches. The glacial lake that had created it long gone.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

skiing uphill

First; Right now there is a reclining moon in the sky, accompanied by a planet.
I say reclining, because the moon is laying back, looking very relaxed. What is that? Does that happen often? Is it me, just seeing it like that for the first time? I search the Internet and my little outdated astronomy book, and cannot find anything. Neither can i find if the star to the left is Jupiter. But That i should know, sooo i say it's Jupiter, correct me if i'm wrong.

Okay now -skiing uphill-. Last week i said to Christopher, i don't swim upstream. Today i find myself skiing uphill, which is not the first time, it is something i often try to accomplish. Probably it is very similar to trying to swim upstream. I like to go with the flow i said.
I suppose to make statements like that, it is nice to know what it really indicates.
Well here is my hill i went up today, see my trail. I actually came down here. I like skiing a lot, but it's not my favorite mode of travelling. It's my limited skill in combination with the places i like to go, that makes skiing hard for me. Today for most of the way i followed my snowshoe trail of two days ago. And yes at the end there is that hill. In no time i got to the bottom of that drumlin, i talked about. This year i decided instead of taking off my skis to side step up and that way making a nice flat trail to come down off. Being on the top, after enjoying the top as i usually do (it was very mild today and sunny!) i decided not to come down that way after all, you might imagine why, and i traversed the hill. At the end, photo, after cutting in the steep side, only able to go horizontal, i had to make this precarious drop.
I did not fall there, breaking trail, one is slowed down greatly by the snow.
I did fall a few times though today, uphill and downhill.
So what can i say about life, my life, no matter if i go uphill/stream or with the flow, there are always challenges, and really i like to take the rocky road, not the path of least resistance.
And... i am using my idiom book now, and what do i find!
I like to take the primrose path! and that's that.
Beside wild roses there are actually blooming primroses on this hill in spring, an Androsace, the Northern-Jasmine.

Oxford Dictionary of English Idioms - the primrose path - the pursuit of pleasure, especially when it is seen to bring disastrous consequences.
The allusion here is to 'the primrose path of dalliance' to which Ophelia refers in Hamlet.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Oh Happy Day

the day before yesterday
last night

this afternoon
This white lace,
has been here for days,
only the colors behind it changing.
With light behind it,
it looks like a black veil.

Days in suspension

This afternoon there was a brief squall
I love the wind!
It was i standing still,
waiting for more.
All that white stuff
falling of the trees in big clumps,
dispersing, blown around

It was just the prelude
to a great concert of flying snow

Maybe tomorrow:)

Friday, January 15, 2010

2 outings

so i cried for a month
lost my passion somehow
suddenly this week i realized
what is so bad about that
that i don't know what i want
there are far worse things for sure
one friend said,
you became softer Jozien
i guess a nice compliment
another friend
talked about
being driven to rejoice
well whatever happened

This morning
i could not stay inside
okay that's what i call driven
my passion you know
who knows, maybe it's back
i put on the snowshoes
while the light was hazy
soft pink
when you follow this photo
my house in the middle
behind the dark spruce
i went through the forest
on my dream path
crossed little lake
the bog was fantastic
and then blue china swamp
up little drumlins
and here i am
on the ridge
sitting in snowsecond outing

skidoing with Don
this morning straight North
Don takes me straight South
we run into the elk herd
the snow very soft
following trails
where i have never been
me drawn to Jo-jo
recognize now where i am
and start pointing the way
but my man has
a mind of his own
and goes on yet another trail
lo and behold
we come upon
big bull moose!

after visiting a while
we return
the sun comes out fully
the sky many different kinds of blue
clouds in all shades
from white to dark purple
the tree tops lit up
hmmmm where are we now?
i just point my finger
Don follows this time
first i am not so sure
if i recognize anything
soon i see my blue ribbon
and when we get home
the light is soft peach
turning bright pink

i know
i live in a dream:)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

more of the same


the next moment

I am listening to the radio again. The pass here is closed. (The road to Skagway).
I like to look at things metaphorically. The way i look at this announcement is that i am here right now, not able to cross the summit, high winds, avalanches and lots of snow. Even if crews are working for me to open it all up, this is where i am now.
I am very appriciated of those crews. You reading my blogs are one of them.

Yesterday, i did experience many moments of being in the present, hours even.
The most joyful, modelling for two hours in my life-drawing class. :)
This was something i had never done and no real training.
And that makes me wonder. In my wanderings in wild places, i also have a great need to be exploratory, finding out new things.

But really you tell me, being in the present, means that you can be totally fulfilled in this one moment. Which does always flows into the next, but also has a inherent aspect of stagnation.

I am just searching for words here, to describe my search.
And i won't call it rambling, because i do have an aim.
To know myself :)

I do know i am a fuddle :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

In the moment

I laugh, i laugh
I should not be typing now, there is a beautiful program on the CBC radio now. About the cultural show of last night in the Yukon Arts Centre. I think it's the one that will go to the Olympics in Vancouver. I love the music, the singing, the story.
I laugh, i laugh
It is snowing big time, earlier going to the outhouse, i had to trudge through the snow.
and i who was wishing for this snow, wonder why i didn't go on longer walks when there was little snow, the way i love it. Now it's too late, i will have to use skies or snowshoes.
I laugh, a little less
It's colder out, again.
With the running/ski club i lead, i secretly was happy to be running still and not skiing. Today was going to be skiing, but now with this cold we be inside running yet again, I wish so much we could go skiing.
I laugh no more
Why can't i get to seem it right? This living in the moment, which i always prided myself on, which i was so good at. Why do i keep thinking of delicious pasts or wishing for some glorious future?
I do smile
I am brimming with energy, here now, to write even if my writing skills are not what i like them to be, even if i can only speak of half truths because of fear.
What do you think is there hope for me?

laughingly, lovingly
knowing you who come here are at least reading me
jozien x

Saturday, January 9, 2010

my boneyard

displays my gratitude for mother earth providing abundantly,thanks. A squirrel nibbling on this season's (Dec/09) bison hoof

Bison skulls from 07/08/09
We do eat less than one animal a year, the meat is all shared.Actually just this week i made broth with the last moose bone of 2006.

A bison(07) and moose(06) rawhide.
I did those myself, lots of hard work. When you stay overnight with me, you get to sleep on them.

Aug 06 moose antler, the velvet still on.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Hi Raven

When the Raven talks to me, i say; hi Christopher, how are you doing?
And no, i don't call the raven, Christopher. I do mean Christopher there in Oregon.
Yesterday he had an interesting post about food, the dilemma of eating.
Tomorrow i will make a photo of remains of what i eat (today's didn't work out, but the raven did:)
So i eat oranges and i do eat meat.
But at least with the meat, i do feel i am in the very fortunate position, of being there from the very beginning till the end. The only thing i don't do is pull the trigger. And i probably never will, i could not. But really i think, by eating meat, i should be able to kill too.
And for oranges i like to add; I don't know what people earn, who pick them for me, but i should be willing to do that job, for whatever money they make and under whatever conditions they work.
hmmmmmm i like chocolate too, a lot. and it doesn't grow on my tree, which ain't mine anyway. Ohhhh all these dilemmas.
I just think it's a good thing to think about these things, once in a while. Thanks Christopher.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


i rejoice the day
when i will be found
it's too cold here
to be lost in the woods
to sleep with the deer
in their beds in the snow

i wonder
do you even miss me
do you know i am lost
lost in those lonesome woods
in this world of white
white light and light grays
a stripe of very soft blue in the sky

Really i never was lost in winter wonderland, knowing i could always trace back my tracks in the snow. And i was never unfortunate enough to be caught in a blizzard erasing all my steps.
Alexander on the other hand was lost once in the snow. The girl, he says, asked him to go out-of-bounds.(Yes, you Kayla) I was waiting there at the ski chalet, the mountain already closed. The ski patrol searching for the two of you.
You were found.
I have been lost here in the summer though, in endless willows. But does it count, because i know the land, i am lost in. It is unnerving though. First there is the getting lost. Jane and i are thinking we go in the right direction, thinking we should come out by the river shortly. Somehow we don't, we keep on going, 'knowing' the river should appear. After a long time we do find a river, but is it the one we were looking for? Then there is a while of random search of where the heck we are.
By now we are so deep in the willows that totally block our view, and the ground under our feet is disappearing, turning from swamp to water.
I think that's when we say; STOP. So we stop, consult the map, search our minds for possibilities.
We do find a little raise in the land that gives us a slight view through the trees, enough to get a glimpse of Jo-jo peak (we are lucky). We do have a compass, so now we walk in a straight line towards where we know now the peak is. And surely we find our way again. And even reach our destination(Which was of unparalleled beauty)
I like to add we do get lost again that day, now in the fast fading light...... finding our way in the pitch black.
haha that's yet another story.

Wasn't i going to talk about, being found?
I have no stories about myself being the wild.
I realize, i have always been able to rely on my own resources.
I wonder now, is that good or too bad?

me finding me
how hard can that be?
because here i am
always home
in my own divinity

Friday, January 1, 2010


you read something, a post or a book, that you really like, but sometimes i read something that, stirs in me, a wish; that i could write like that. Rachel you did that just now (the waxing moon). And i am reading a book by Karen Conolly.
How i wish.
But all i can do is just write like me :)

Today Don and i went skidoing. Now what kind of opening line is that? But then the trail was first very rough too, there really is not enough snow here. I am bounced around badly. I do wear all the right gear. But what is the right gear? Today i wear a fancy Yamaha face mask under my scarf, toque and hood. I find soon that it just becomes very snotty, underneath. And eventually my left cheek gets very cold with that trapped moisture. My right hand gets cold from holding the throttle. I am wearing, fleece gloves, army liners and bison mittens. And my right foot gets cold.

On our way back, i know at one point; from now on it's just surviving, knowing i will be home in a half hour. I hunker into myself as good as i can, while moving the specific body parts, that are on the verge of freezing up. I don't enjoy the scenery anymore, just focusing on staying warm and getting home. Which still is somehow enjoyable, haha, how you wonder. See writing is so hard, how do i explain? But maybe you know the feeling. The skidoo is kind of carrying me, as when as a child i fell asleep during an event and my dad lifts me up and carries me home, I am sooo tired, but i know soon my dad will put me in my own bed, in the meanwhile i am safe in his arms....

Beside all that, we have a very good adventure, following the winding Mendenhall river, which brings you nowhere really, as it loops back onto it self a thousand times.
But the sliding through this open tunnel of snow is dreamlike.
Don likes to get onto the meadows on the other side, but there are no tracks set yet by anyone. I know of a way, but he doesn't ask me :)
We find a beautiful levee, that we explore a bit by walking. It's compared to most levees beside the river, very open, with beautiful big and very tall spruce trees.
We do find a passage for the skidoos, but end up in a meadow surrounded by thick willow. But it's good enough, what do they say? (which i never like actually) It's the journey that counts, not the destination. Well you know i am getting cold, so i am happy with this journey without destination. Happy to turn back.
My cheeks still glow. (or is that the shimmering body gel, i got for Christmas)