Sunday, December 14, 2014

red kites in winter

I enter through the cave far out in the wide open field, i must have written about this place before, it is a dreamspace i sometimes visit. As it is with dreams one never knows when the next visit will be and how it will be that night in bright daylight. If there is ice on the river or not. If i have to cross it to a more familiar place, a place remembered from childhood, or if i just ride the white water through the narrowest of gap, where it is never dark. It's a river underground. I am somewhat scared but i know i have been there before, and i know i will be safe. Different then the blue sky above, i only go there when i am lucid, more on purpose, but i haven't been lucid for a long time. The sky, my wings amazing, but it is always trouble in my sky there are electrical wires i have to avoid. I better stay indoors, aerial dancing underneath big vaulted ceilings. The dancing always indoors, i do it to impress people. Not the flying, that is out there in the open, all by myself, happily. The underground river i often am there with others, but not really connected to them or concerned with them. They are just there as i am there. Yesterday i was chopped up, my limbs separated. It was fine, i was totally fine that way. The next night i was a teacher, i saw how my colleagues prepared this class to make bright red kites from newspapers. The kids were quite happy to not have the theory which my classes are full of, in which i come unprepared to teach them. Unpreparedness is the theme in any school related dream. These places really not as far removed from reality as my real reality. After a walk in the dark on the snow road through the forest i stepped in the shop and there was Don awake dreaming, i stood with him we shared a beer, we are an almost extinct species Don, we are dinosaurs Jozien. We do talk over skype with Jim in the Philippines we hear the roosters crowing. Our house in the middle of a forever forest that is forever blanketed in white this year. We haul water from the creek we chop wood from the forest surrounding our house, but these are chores far removed when i sit here behind the computer in my warm and cozy place, i do get hot flashes nowadays, Don snoring. The kids in the Philippines play basketball on the street every evening. I do wonder about kids here these days, kids attached to their iPads,beautiful kids teenagers to their iPhones, gorgeous teenagers, well to do adults attached to their pill boxes. Maybe it is all different dreamspaces. Nothing to be worried about, i know they are not.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

it's a dream

ha! i went out to see my lover today :) oh yes she was there the glory of the first moment i see her again and she was ready for me, to carry me and as i sit on her bank listening to her talk, a soft gurgle under the ice, long ago summer talk. it made me wonder how do i assess  my relationships if they are worth it if they make me feel i float. all mountains and rivers are magnificent, but i do not call all of them mine. there are the relationships that are, now here, real time. and there are the ones that could be, the potential ones. and then there are the ones to be treasured most they are the ones of real dream stuff they can never can be.
you know when they are when you ride the boat together and yes on top of the wave is easy, pure joy. even if you know deep down you will go under again but that moment the sun is shining and the sky is blue. and when you are down you know it by when there is no word spoken as he enters the house by the cold air that makes you shiver. the waves come and go you know it is real by it's immediate action.
and then there are relationship that could be. how do you know if they are real? my lover here this afternoon i know she is real because first i was able to get to her, it did take me some hard work, trees had fallen across the trail, the meadow before her coming was new, exciting, different then any time before and crawling through the dense willows that stood before her and like i told you; suddenly there she was! and she was ready to carry me, she was there for me. sometimes she is not ready but always will she let me sit on her banks and always will she listen and when i listen always will she talk. yes that is how i know she is real.and very much worth it.
Ah and then i dance an twirl because her skin so smooth because i am to be called spoiled, there is those, many, that i connect with inimitably and i know like clear ice. that it will never work  yet i can save them for the last dance from here till eternity. they the ones that are always there for me riding on top of the wave never going down.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

And the world is beautiful

there is pink and light
morning blue
and the stillness.
And last night the one cat sat on my lap
she being very clingy these days
and i cried for the other cat
and my husband said, yes
and probably that was his way of being sad too
or understand why i cried
And that seems like a beautiful moment in marriage
but don't be fooled we have been
together 25 years
and only marginally know eachother
more in the way
Oh i know where she's coming from
Maybe like i was been startled by a cow dozing
on my path in the dark of night
or that memory from the 80ish
that has not aged in the way when you look at
actual items of the 80ish
Is my coat retro or vintage?
She probably called it retro because
she does not shop at the salvation army.
And as i listen to a John and read a Jon
and remember my lover Shawn
my real question is
who decides when it is too much
too of anything
Like who gets locked up and who does not
if there was a fair system
Like if i had thoughts of killing someone and actually pressed my hands in a way where i could
Yes, we can say, but he really did kill, that is the difference Jozien
Is it?
Don't worry, no one died
i didn't even fall through the ice
but does that make the ice strong enough?
So yes do tell me, how much do you love me?
Is it enough for me to keep hoping?
Where was the moment when it shifted?
Or did it?
And there is the sun!
the moon in the west
the sun in the east
And us somewhere in the middle maybe
and here a photo of yesterday's frozen lake that i skated on

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I don't get it

I was researching on-line, if i could wash my hair with only water...

Anyway the point here is; for a while now i have been wondering if the whole Internet experience will implode on us.

And you know what also disturbs me greatly; That Canada is now bombing things. They hit a truck. Well whoopeyding,. And what i don't understand is, do people really think that when you start throwing things, the people you are throwing things at are going to be all lovey and sweet to you or at best leave you alone?

To me it just doesn't make sense.

And then there is Jian Gomeshi. He is been fired now for something that occurred some ten years ago?

They way i wrote this, all three topics, ehhh i don't get my point across very clearly, i might add here when some clear words arise in me.

As always i love to hear your thoughts. Thank you.

Friday, October 31, 2014

to die

to die, i die for you
in swirling colors red and green and blue
gold and silver shining
black stones i hurl up in the sky
pulling down the clouds
how come when loving i do not even get close to what i really feel
only sometimes there are places being touched that make me scream, impossible to go farther
impossible for me to let it be
i have to go now
i gotta go i say
what is this normal life that pulls the hardest
taking me away from
how i would like to be
I vouch for people loving wildly
shattering the sky

Wednesday, October 29, 2014


this standing on the edge of the cliff
this grasping
this wanting to fly
feeling your dry lips touch mine
my hips, that are merely hipbones
move move sway
into your total darkness
swirl swirl
my wings that are still white
still 20 feet diameter
your black feathers all around as i fight
and you stand calm
untouched by my turmoil
i drop my head and out of the corner of my eye i see the blue metallic shine
everyday i have a new plan
of what is wrong now
and what was once so right
so very right
so chocolaty syrup
what were the pure chocolate bits that your beautiful fingers got out of the baggy and placed in my mouth
was it the touch of your fingers or that raw taste
of pure glory
i get up and fly
if only my wingtips could touch you

time will tell

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

This was May

And it is me
the sharp edges
the cold
my colors forlorn
there we are.

We are exactly were we want to be,

Months later, a certain ordinary evening, a strip of light on the western horizon, just yesterday
the abundance of bones and backstrap, even flanks are glorious
knives being sharpened, that sound
If i only knew my self this intimately.
You know how big a liver is? Much larger then our large heart. Softer too.
And the toughness, so much beautiful smooth toughness in me too.

Ah and i whine i whine that certain needs no matter its abundance are not met.

I don't why so much pain over little things, why i dive into that pain and find nothing, just tears.
Waterfalls of it. Puddles, ponds, lakes full.

You know how much water a mountain holds?
 I don't, but i know it is a lot
a lot more then these few tears

Please, know my needs.

If i can't understand, maybe you can understand me.

Friday, October 10, 2014

and sunlight in big waves

Big tropical storm waves.
And how come his body carries that Californian heat, the fragrance of orange blossom in the warm air and the old dark shinny hardwood. Is that a memory i ever wrote about? Arriving in the heart of LA by train. The rose wood high backed benches at the station, are they still there? I know the light is, the light  when stepping outside, we coming all the way from Portland. And he the lover carried it all back in. And i gallop my black stallion bare back, naked in the forever bleak fields, first time ever and the rainbow reached me from all the way back east. He is so beautiful, how can a body be perfect like his?
Can you imagine being touched by glory? I wondered last night if we all don't almost die every single day. Awareness in those split seconds, creates all this light flooding in. And the mirrors reflecting it, and the magpies pick it up and carry it on. How can i breath calmly, who do i think i am? As we cross borders the love ripples on. Singing this i call the manes of  wild horses, they are back again. And the world was white and the heat where did it come from ? The dry grass, the dark nights once more again.
Just a dusting of tiny crystals in the sand.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

i have been thinking again

lol, i know
It occurred to me that we are truly Nothing, the same as we are All.
It is just a thought.
A friend of my raised the idea this morning.

Wednesday i was in wilderness water land fallen trees thick willows, i did find one dried up black currant, black currants the goal of my trip. Walking on floating moss and sinking in too deep at the end just before a raise in the land.

I disagree a lot with people. I  can only hope they are okay with that, that they somehow circle elsewhere, where they know; agree disagree all good, all proof that we are alive.

The horses are here now, scared and curious at the same time, they.
Earlier  evening sun flooded over the white landscape.

This nothing some people talk about, that we are thoughts appear from emptiness.

Born as a human i am, i was saying i did come close to the feeling of dying a few times....didn't you? didn't we all?

When are we dead we asked this morning, and will something remain? for 4 minutes, for 5o days, longer yet, and after that?

The thought i had was this, yes , i am me,here in this body, could it be that i forever am a  different being, according to what this body gathers around it self, in it self. The spinning chakra changing, my energy for ever in motion

An older idea of mine is ( i don't think that these are just my ideas, they have been thought before i am sure, i just don't know by whom)
; That  our energy is the way we vibrate, by that we attract what is the same ( i know this  is science, Christopher you know what i mean yes?) And in the recognition we vibrate differently again.

Yet we are all totally One and the same

I some how get it, i feel it in my core, just can't explain it clearly yet, maybe you can, as you and i we vibrate on the same plane, i ith my stuff you with yours,let yours have the knowledge how to put words to it.

Now that 'll be cool :)

Galloping horses, cats skidding over the wood floor, a white bird flew by, a little hawk maybe

Saturday, October 4, 2014

The upbeat energy of yesterday

is gone. After sleeping my regular hours last night, after doing my regular, i am in love with life, doings. After doing some of my chores in tune with oneness with a certain pleasure, i  laid down in sun light and fell asleep. I do not like that, i hate that, i have to shake my self out of that, i do not want to be there.
Fear of sleeping my life away?  Is it loneliness? is it deep down low self-esteem? Yes, that most of all.
The world so glorious around me. This early winter, which is only winter because the trees have dropped their leaves. The bleak dark landscape is fantastical topped by white, black striped, mountains. My stalker found a blue flower, i the one being stalked found a tiny  yellow one, a crowfoot. Both poisonous i suspect.

The cat says hi, the fox turned wolf, the horses wild again.

I can postpone my feelings forever.  If i  want.
It is hard no-path because to be on a path like that , one has to be very smart, have a lot of knowledge. And i know that no matter how smart, how knowledgeable, even the genius doesn't know it all, even whatever she/he is a genius at, still falling short.

My ear starts to popping. What is that all about? I did poke my eye this morning. It hurt a lot.

My body starts gaining energy it wants to do chores again, move with purpose, get it all clean.
Up and down, in and out. There is a longing now to throw my self into that uncomfortable feeling that i don't know.
Oh my god oh my dear god. You are so beautiful.! I mean that  lover of mine, i mean that wild horse snorting at me, i mean that uneasiness that is most horrible because i can't grasp it. Not painful enough for piercing screams, oh dear god, why am i so blessed that i have no tears.
Again i can live with me, me not being good enough for me and all that.
The joke of it all, now; late sun in bright patches on the dark mountain sides
I'll vacuum clean.

Friday, October 3, 2014

a memory of hot sun rays penetrating my skin.

No-path is quite lovely indeed, it means i can start summer today.
A fox sat on the steps.  An almost surreal experience to have a fox for pet for one day. I do not like a fox' face, i do like it's tail. You think i can write a book this way?
The question really; do i think i can write a book this way? I like to write a book this way. As i will always long to keep driving when driving 1000 miles, or keep walking when walking 10 hours. Should 1000 miles mean something , because now it is followed by 10 hours, in the story when properly written this way this idea should come in threes and  now there should  be only 1 me.
If i only could come up with more then one me. You might know my desire for wanting to write fiction. Why is it darker in the open field than it is in the thick spruce forest. I know why;  when you would cut open all these  trees, the wood is almost white, pure light and  golden sap. I have four horses tonight, and that fox for a pet. An old dark stallion, and a family of 3, the mare, her foal and a male. And then the thought of my lover drifts into my mind, his mane flowing, the most beautiful of shiny black hair, so soft, tie me up in these locks, let me drown in your sweat, from all your hard work just for me.  And the waves of the sea crashing on the beach, erratic, not so calm tonight, almost building up to some kind of  tragedy, or exhilaration! surprisingly.
So lovely this no-path, the wind rattles the chimes, and there is no story, no beginning, no end, no suspense, how lovely, how lovely, to be all soft and laying in the warm sand on this first day of summer. You, there is only you i can think of.

Monday, September 29, 2014

The path

We follow a path
it is a long path, the surroundings are beautifully bleak.
At some point we thought the path led us a different way then that we wanted to go, so we left the path and we will not know unless we go back one day and keep following the path, where the path would have taken us.

I wonder am i always on a path?  A path to become healthier or wealthier or more aware or....

It was such a change leaving the path; it was so beautiful, i was  more One with my surroundings, the earth under my feet soft, not hardened by the path, the colors of the earth i walked on more visible, lots of hues of colors in the bleak and dreary. most beautiful..
Sometimes the travelling harder, but mostly more joyful, there was a little meandering creek to step over, total glory.

Coming to the ridge, the wind blows wildly, we can lean in the wind, the glory of it, our bodies cold when we stop, no time to rest, Taking it all in at such moment is hard, hairs blowing in our face, just within reach peaks calling our name.
 We quickly eat lunch behind a rock face , from here we turn back, this is good enough.
soon we find a calmer route, and the beauty of  it.

Easily we find the path again to return home.

The long long path.

What i felt strongly here today, relating to my recent spiritual journey;

-Get off the path when you can-

But i was totally wrong, i do not think the others really cared or even noticed, but i was totally off in my directions and distance and sense of time. At one point the sun was in the wrong location, i did not even notice. Just aware of the sun peeking through, always with me no matter if i am right or wrong.


Sunday, September 21, 2014


I said, to be continued, last time here,
more later, was what it was, i think.

It seemed so clear back then,
if i was on the verge of clarity.

Always always clarity seems to shift, i watch when i am aware, but what is this awareness?
somedays just saying, ha this is me, i am an observing being
other days the glory of it
but often i forget what it really means
or truly, i have no idea what it really means

It seems when putting words to it it changes it
of course inherently nothing ever changes

But there was a change!  Don asked me to a party, yes married 20 years i don't think it ever happened... where he was just able to say, "do you like to go to this party with me tonight?"
so i said yes, just for the sake of it. Often i can feel quite insecure at parties where i don't know anyone. Not this night. It was lovely, not in the sense that i had a great time, or that it was exceptionally fantastic in the way of a party. it was actually a typical party where i would have felt uncomfortable., for at least some of the time. Not this night.

That is a subtle change right?

The two writers on the subject of self inquiry, that i recently read. State that our thoughts appear from nothingness
And when you look for it they do
but to me they don't
Another book by yet another con-artist, 'Blink'. I say con artist, i don't think Papaji is but Michael Singer is and so is the writer of  Blink. Nevertheless they make valuable points.

And you probably call me names. What comes out anybodies mouth is often very contradictionary, never the less our thought, they more so, i have watch recently.

The point is, as i said a few days ago. At any point thoughts come to our mind,  maybe  seemingly out of nothing. But most of them are put in there by myself in some form.

Only once in a while i have totally random thoughts, more often pictures, asin lots of dreams, things that seem not to be part of my own experience.

I think this is all very well know by all of you, i am not speaking rocket science here.

Yet i think it is essential

I don't know how, that's All
 In the same way as; Why was i born with this body, to the parents i did, at the place i did, in the way i did.

I don't know all that!

Yes, i made choices that put me here now in this moment, typing. but how and why really?

Ahhh listening to the music of the movie Don is watching, i am choosing now to join him

tada and toodeloo

Monday, September 15, 2014

As i have a runny nose

and had a sore throat last night
and have been reading about enlightenment for.......33 years now.
Ha making the quick calculation, there is the answer; there i go, drawn into Joy,  i like the number 33 , i am a 33 and i live on lot 33.
More thoughts appear; Now is this bad or good  this coincidence or this number in it self or all these thoughts flooding in?

After reading what i have been reading in the last few weeks, i say it is neither good nor bad.

That i feel joy, that can't be bad, but it would be no different me feeling bad. It doesn't change a thing.

It doesn't change me.

What i am reading now is all about self inquiry.

I am That.

That is what appears before a thought, or is That where the thought appears from.

The silence in between the in and out breath, the out and in breath.

Breathing just happens it is of the body, no effort,
unless you can't.

I am not my body,
to me it does feel it is where i dwell, this particular body is mine, the one that has a runny nose now.

Reading Papaji, he seems to renounce everything, also this body we call our own...

When i listen for that stillness that is That according to Papaji and many more spiritual teachers.

I feel my body,
i hear,
and when my eyes open  i see things,
and not today, but i would smell things.

When i am focused on a task then it seems  i become less aware....

Not still actually, thoughts come and go.

Most of the time i am not bothered my thoughts

Papaji seem to suggest that thoughts are bothersome  ( i do love Papaji, he is a teacher of mine, for years)

At the moment, these weeks i am keeping watch for bothersome thoughts or contradictory ones for that matter.
Even when not most of the time, there are lots. Lots.

What i want to say to papaji ( not a real person in my life, just a spirtual teacher i am reading about)

I love my life, don't  you bother me

I know what Papaji would say;

"Well why are you here then? Carry on bravely for another cycle of a  few million years".......

Haha at least when we i stay unaware, the world is going nowhere, i know that much.

More on this another day.

Monday, September 8, 2014

sadness seeping in

what happens when the sadness seeps in?
my eyes will fill with tears
i will long for you
and look outside of me
a river on a road
a tree across a path
in the name of progress
anger wells up
did they block the natural flow of the creek?
there is a non trespassing sign on that tree.
remember that path?
all those blue butterflies sipping mud in the spring
where do they go now?
today was a day of full sun after frost
after rain
rain for days
rain rain non stop no trespassing rain
today a second brood of mourning cloaks
out in full force
a yard full of fluttering
bathing in sunshine
soaking up love
where are your strong arms?
that should comfort me
I get lost in a forest full of red
highbush cranberry smell, thick
big floating yellow below
small trembling yellow above
i did go to the stone today
one  rock was  heartshape i see now
a broken heart
she was so perfect
just like you
few things in life are a perfect fit
the grace that whatever it is,
it is always good
never anger, never sadness
no doubts, no fears
i tell you
life can be that way
i read today
the kiwi bird can't fly
because it had nothing to fear
is that supposed to be consoling me?
water didn't go over the rim of my boots
and it could have
because that was the last thing i cared about
i found the name of that tiny
true look alike
heartshaped seeds
i just followed a thought and there she was
out of nothing
there she was
gone again
and after 3 days in the rain
the white sheets
naturally bleached

Sunday, September 7, 2014


She died,
We buried her this morning
We miss her.
She was the best.

I do want to share here, 
as i did not have much experience with dying pets.  maybe this is helpful for someone else.

Loesje  was 18 and a half, she had been growing old the last two years, 
It took her 5 days to die, i don't know if that is long or short. We were blessed that she stayed with us during those days. She was the kind of cat that easily could have retreated to be by herself for this.
As you read in the other post, she lost the ability to look after herself, on tuesday.
Not always was i in tune with what she needed, and i hate to say, but saturday evening i almost let her choke on her water. That was very hard for her and me, The agony  lasted less then 5 minutes, but it seemed very long. Luckily Don was home too, and before we made any rash decisions, she was calm again.
As the coughing smelled bad, i did move her to her basket by the woodstove, a favorite place of her.
At 11.30 pm she was still breathing peacefully, and now laying in a position that i had seen early this summer when i found a dead lynx.  Don said  he did hear something at some point during the early morning hours.
But when i got up at 8 or so, Loesje was still laying there so beautiful and peacefully really the same as in the eveing. I knew she was now gone, even if i couldn't tell if she was still breathing, Everybody laughed at me of course, saying that i wished i had Alexander's stethoscope. 

I am glad i did not take her to the vet, but it was hard at times, and i can totally understand if some people do.

Gosh Loes, all three of us, we loved you so much, always

Saturday, September 6, 2014


My dear Loesje
She is 18 and a half.
Tuesday i think it was, she deteriorated rapidly, changing every hour.

I just want to keep a record here, for me and to share.
Her full story i will write later, her biography.

It is just that yesterday, she meowed and i understood.
Thursday i was away in the morning, but Don said he had helped her to drink.
In the afternoon and evening and night she still acknowledged me, seemed happy, almost purring when i first came home and stroked her. But other then looking at me,  she didn't move at all any more.

Yesterday i spend all day with her, yes she seemed to ask me for something and several times i have held her so she could drink. And then she gave this sharp meow, she didn't want to drink, so i carried her to her litter box, and she peed right away.

I wonder, no as long as she can ask me stuff and i by some good fortune can understand her needs, no i won't take her to the vet yet. But i do wonder, and i wonder is recovery possible? or how long can this take?

And again this morning she is still with us, when i woke up she told me she needed to go pee, and she did, again in her litterbox.

Very sad, not so beautiful anymore, now it takes so long.

Thursday, August 28, 2014


I have those weekly, always feel so great, thinking i know it all.
Haha life is such a joke.
The  last one: i realized it was me who suffered most and i know now.
I had a version of that one twenty some years ago sitting on a hill with Hetty Willemier.

But this one is the one!

And of course it is not me suffering most, i am especially blessed in life.
But i always have this excessive need of sleep. I think i got it! I will not sleep no more! Oh my god can you imagine the good life i will be living, no more wonderful cool sheets, finding a warm body in between them, oh glory, i give it all up for more energy.  I am talking nonsense of course.
The point is, i have found why i love falling in love, no more falling in love is necessary , i can just open my heart by myself, like everybody always does ( meaning you all knew that , while i suffered in silence)

And it all has to do with being aware.... that I AM the observer.. Now this moment, my fingers type  thoughts that I draw to the foreground of  my mind,  I am behind it all picking and choosing, loving or not, closing or opening, and the grass grows, and the music plays.

I can stop all the judgement in a single moment.

Glory, glory all is glory,
"wake up little Suzy
wake up!"

There is no suffering, none

Ha, and to know that when the wave crashes and washes over me, submerged in green water, not knowing if i ever breath again, which, don't worry, i will .

I am for real.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

when i am

when i am

tired like i am now and i already laid naked in the warm sun on the coarse gravels and the music is turned up too loud lola... and she walked up to me and when you really don't know what or where but it's summer because the sun is hot and the breeze is a cool dream

i have no idea what this could be growing among tiny eyebrights and willowherbs with heavy eyelashes when you can't follow me, neither can i the thing was it always takes me a little of guard when  they first see my killer legs in killer heels lololola and  only after they gather up an instant of courage to ask me to dance, they see i am tall, much taller then them its a culvert graveyard it's the blond that is beautiful until she speaks it's the ordinary that is most fortunate the ugly duckling believe me she is a top model and days go by and i forgot all about it sweet sweet caroline and wait this is what counts i am just me and he was well... wrong

Thursday, July 24, 2014

metamorphic rock

the water is rippled
all the things i want to tell you
they elude me now
following footsteps on bare rock
there are only traces left
from 15.000 years ago
that's young we learn
in geology class
sometimes my mind is bubbling over
now it's dark red
slightly sticky
as popping bubbles in fir tree bark
when the water's calm
i wonder about justice
seeking justice does start wars
the black lake is so deep
i just can't see my own reflection
when there is no more words, no ripples
and no justice and your skin
pressed against mine
we metamorph
Now That is pure Joy

Monday, July 21, 2014


 What is a reasonable
amount of time
to spend loving
What is the bare minimum?

I love me 
i love the evening sun
the birds singing
but when your grown-up child left home
your husband still works long hours
and you find your self alone

How much time is necessary
per day
to spend deeply
with an other

to actually live wholesomely?

tattered and torn

The brilliance of the inside
is showing through. 
Growing weary.
Confidence in life
in loving
wears off.
When you don't tell me me every single day
i just don't know.
Patching up takes hours
again and again.
Life lessons that just don't stick too well.
i come to you.

Opening my wings

i  fly.

Friday, July 4, 2014


my beautiful lover
most beautiful of all
i dance for you 
always spinning
rain trashing down
rocks falling down the mountain 
boulders the size of treasure chests
i adore you
the sky is turning
your eyes 
a lovely light brown mystery
that i belong in
your hair raven black waves
that i get lost in
don't you know 
that all my madness 
is a crazy witch hunt
i twirl again  
send me your music
sing it loud
so i will know
and i will find you
and we will dance together
and there is love that always was
you most handsome
that is what pulcherrima means

both photos are not polemonium pulcherrimum
top - wild blue flax
middle - northern jacob's ladder

the rain grew tired 
all was water now
the boulders larger
made up the ocean floor
deep deep down
don't ask me to get up again
i am safe here
underneath everything that exist

Friday, June 27, 2014


I feel bad for my dear old blog.
When life was simple, all i wrote went on my blog (or  my diary). Now i have so many avenues..... even facebook.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

did you know

did you know
that i cannot live without you
that there is ice in my summer
that you and i are butterflies touching down
two flowers joined in a whorl
did you see the dead porcupine
the bird finally found it's mate
feathers in the rain
pollen frozen for ions of time
just yesterday i met people
i felt their insecurity
today the singing
was laced with hurt
and you were there for me
every single moment
and you feel my breath
she licks her lips
he shifts slightly
they know
they know everything
the yellow
with a white ribbon
and there was blood
and fur and flies
it was a strange coincidence
he with his ex
and the choir sang
dancing swirling
it's a universe out there
and it's at our feet
we can have it all if we take it
who knew the violet primrose
on a far away beach
an instant ago
the sand so hot
it burned our feet
and i will love you so hard
oh yes, it will hurt a lot
and we will laugh
we will roll on the floor laughing
and with our hands we hold our bellies
and there is so much love
all the butterflies and flowers
they burst open and fly
petal dust everywhere
confetti in the sky
and to know that all it takes
is you and i
infinity in that split second after we meet
ha! all is well
so very well
even summer ice can melt

Sunday, June 22, 2014

dead stands of poplar

and not so green.
As we drove out towards Haines jct and on,
We saw something that started 3 or 4 years ago, along the way we saw several dead stands of polar ( trembling aspen). It appears now more evident then ever. When we drove into the litle road that further on was very green, at the beginning we drove to such dead forest and the little spruce trees where covered in webs with black caterpillars.

Now especially in this area we are used to the spruce trees dying due to the spruce beetle. I have not heard much about this.

I do believe that it could all  be part of a natural phenomena. If everything was left be, large areas in the Yukon would have been burned due to forest fires. As fires are managed these days, maybe....i am just surmising here..... nature provides another way to rejuvenate, dying a part of that process.

We also drove into the marshal creek area where there was a fire years ago, the poplars look lovely they are about 2 meters high  i would say. For years this area was a sea of purple from fireweed and before that shortly after the fire we picked morels there.

 We did find one morel today, but that was a coincidence, we by accident kicked it over on the trail to granite mountain

Monday, May 26, 2014

someone found a little cone

only a few of all those immature cones, are trying to become a cone

Saturday, May 24, 2014

immature spruce cones

Around this time of year i always pick sprucetips.( light green with golden cap)
I noticed the sprucetips had seem to come in different colors this year.
 A closer look revealed the spruce trees are full of immature spruce cones.
What is that all about?
A few years back there was a bumber crop of cones in the top of the trees.
Last year we first noticed how squirrels nip of the tips of spruce tips eat the heart and discard the rest, we have seen that again this year

i shook the branches to make a cloud of yellow pollen.

they are quite tasty!