Saturday, October 4, 2014

The upbeat energy of yesterday

is gone. After sleeping my regular hours last night, after doing my regular, i am in love with life, doings. After doing some of my chores in tune with oneness with a certain pleasure, i  laid down in sun light and fell asleep. I do not like that, i hate that, i have to shake my self out of that, i do not want to be there.
Fear of sleeping my life away?  Is it loneliness? is it deep down low self-esteem? Yes, that most of all.
The world so glorious around me. This early winter, which is only winter because the trees have dropped their leaves. The bleak dark landscape is fantastical topped by white, black striped, mountains. My stalker found a blue flower, i the one being stalked found a tiny  yellow one, a crowfoot. Both poisonous i suspect.

The cat says hi, the fox turned wolf, the horses wild again.

I can postpone my feelings forever.  If i  want.
It is hard no-path because to be on a path like that , one has to be very smart, have a lot of knowledge. And i know that no matter how smart, how knowledgeable, even the genius doesn't know it all, even whatever she/he is a genius at, still falling short.

My ear starts to popping. What is that all about? I did poke my eye this morning. It hurt a lot.

My body starts gaining energy it wants to do chores again, move with purpose, get it all clean.
Up and down, in and out. There is a longing now to throw my self into that uncomfortable feeling that i don't know.
Oh my god oh my dear god. You are so beautiful.! I mean that  lover of mine, i mean that wild horse snorting at me, i mean that uneasiness that is most horrible because i can't grasp it. Not painful enough for piercing screams, oh dear god, why am i so blessed that i have no tears.
Again i can live with me, me not being good enough for me and all that.
The joke of it all, now; late sun in bright patches on the dark mountain sides
I'll vacuum clean.


Anonymous said...

We were lovers once
But sadly, our relationship was too complicated
And our paths separated unnecessarily

I often see you
A bird cryptically descending through a dense forest
In shadows found in the oddest places
And of course in alpine meadows where exquisite flowers reach toward summer’s light

I thought you were calling out to me
But it was a startled bird making an anguished call

The sadness afterward was overwhelming
And I slept for a very long time
As it rained and rained

How can our paths meet again?
I grieve for the lost intimacy
I want my joy and spirit back

Somehow it’s lost in a darkened forest

christopher said...

Wow. I love you, Jozien, as ever.

Anonymous said...

My previous anon post was whimsical and I hope it was not offensive.

This blog is very compelling and inspiring but I will not post here again.

Cheers anon