this elusive bridge

Happy Mother's Day!

I am still a child i am still a mother, but...

Looking up the word elusive in the thesaurus i see the word Elysian below it.
Now there's a word i did not know, but can deal with; Elysium
ill-liz-zee-um
it even sounds wonderful

I know this place of perfect bliss, blessedly so

Maybe it has to do with me growing up, not a child anymore, my main existence not mothering anymore.
Maybe
but somehow i used to be on the other side of a certain bridge.
what i am trying to talk about
I knew that my happiness was not depended on outer circumstances, i knew it as in experiencing it. I could feel happy no matter what, not as in all the time. Somewhere in the struggle, when not struggling anymore. somewhere after experiencing Beauty, when i knew it was not the glory of it making me happy.

Being loved or loving..... Is that it? It has to happen in the middle of the bridge.
Not one on either side.
?

I used the be on the one side of, -i am happy no matter what-
Now i find i am, no matter what, on the other side. The side where i am not wholesomely happy.

You know what i am saying? What the heck is that?

Where is my Elysium?
Why is it so elusive?

Don't worry, still i am Happy, somewhere.... Right Now... Am I?....
grrrrrrr