Sunday, May 9, 2010

this elusive bridge

Happy Mother's Day!

I am still a child i am still a mother, but...

Looking up the word elusive in the thesaurus i see the word Elysian below it.
Now there's a word i did not know, but can deal with; Elysium
ill-liz-zee-um
it even sounds wonderful

I know this place of perfect bliss, blessedly so

Maybe it has to do with me growing up, not a child anymore, my main existence not mothering anymore.
Maybe
but somehow i used to be on the other side of a certain bridge.
what i am trying to talk about
I knew that my happiness was not depended on outer circumstances, i knew it as in experiencing it. I could feel happy no matter what, not as in all the time. Somewhere in the struggle, when not struggling anymore. somewhere after experiencing Beauty, when i knew it was not the glory of it making me happy.

Being loved or loving..... Is that it? It has to happen in the middle of the bridge.
Not one on either side.
?

I used the be on the one side of, -i am happy no matter what-
Now i find i am, no matter what, on the other side. The side where i am not wholesomely happy.

You know what i am saying? What the heck is that?

Where is my Elysium?
Why is it so elusive?

Don't worry, still i am Happy, somewhere.... Right Now... Am I?....
grrrrrrr

4 comments:

Sue said...

I might not know exactly what you are talking about, but I have an idea that I've got some of the same feelings... I think...
I wonder...
and I'm still hopeful....
I hope you are too.

TechnoBabe said...

For me, I just have to be content in the now. No regrets for the past and no expectations of the future. Just okay with now. Then I know I am happy.

jozien said...

Thanks! for giving me hope Sue, yes.
And 'just okay with the now', that's the trick. :) I'll practice. How?

Cicero Sings said...

Contentment is a real art. My D is a real "live in the moment" kind of guy and very contented, he enjoys each day for what it offers and doesn't worry much about the future or past. I'm learning from him to relax and enjoy. Nice to have a built in model. Partly it involves faith that God is for you and will look after you each new day no matter what that day brings. I admit, it is hard to bring the mind under control at times!