Friday, May 14, 2010

steep learning curve

I am on a journey, that seems to have a steep learning curve. So i hope when i am through it i master it. And it becomes as easy as biking. I don't know, i think i need a lot of practice. And your help:)

Over the years i have read a lot of 'self help' books. And some talk about, how your mind works. Well i am trying to watch how mine works.

I am ready to let go of certain thoughts. Because.... well... to start with the beginning.

Over a year ago i was troubled by negative thoughts, while i was in the woods on my beautiful walks. After trying different things, i asked my higher spirit to give me pleasant thoughts :)
It worked! Beautiful things started happening in my life. And for a long time i lived in lala-land (it was very very lovely:)
But somehow expectation rolled in, and you know what happens when you expect things.
And you might have read here,that i somehow got depressed.

I am over that, BUT
For some reason, i started to take flight in sweet memories or fantasies, related to those expectations. (all very lovely too)
Last week, i realized i have to let go of those memories/fantasies. because....well...
they are not real.

And my real life is not bad at all.
(Reading this you might wonder how healthy it is to live in the wilderness:)

Now i watch my mind. And whenever this memory/fantasy floats in, i let it float out,
over and over. sometimes i can go hours without those thoughts, sometimes they return within a minute.

The good thing is, i am able to stop them short.

I am very interested how it is for you.

For me i find:
a thought appears.
Before it is actually a thought in words i already know if it is the thought i try to let go of.
At that point there is no emotion yet.
So i try to let it go, before it becomes a thought or emotion.

That works to a certain point. Because at the same time i believe in awareness.
Now it seems, to be aware includes those thoughts. So in the period in between i slip into a state of unawareness. I can be totally happy, but as soon as i realize i am happy, 'boom' i remember everything......

Maybe i am beautifully entangled in the alders now, but i know the bright sunshiny meadow is ahead. And maybe a little altruistic but as Pema Chodron, i believe, my happiness is for the happiness of All. I will go sit in the sun, wait for your comments and read her teachings, which i did not do yet:)

5 comments:

Canadian Down Under said...

Wow, that's a tough one Jozien. I do believe that fantasies and dreams do come true, but what your saying is that you don't really want yours too because they will take you away from what you have and love now. Letting them float out is a good idea but maybe you can tweak your fantasies a bit to suit you better. Maybe you can create an even awesomer remote wilderness home for your dream man. What's wrong with dreaming if it makes your heart light? Is it the disappointment of coming back to reality? If so, when you feel that disappointment, stop and tell yourself that your reality is a dream come true too. Then smile.
Love ya!
Bella

jozien said...

Thanks so much Bella, yes they take me away from what i have, in the sense that i feel detached from reality, and more real in my fantasie.
And thanks for reminding me, i know my reality is a dream come true.
to be continued....

Canadian Down Under said...

I have a wish board where I post my dreams (like a picture of the log house I'd love in Mendenhall and a big LOTTO cheque I made out of a small one) but right beside it I have another board with my wishes that have come true (like a picture of my family on the beach in Oz - because moving here was a dream come true, and a picture of our dog Prince). I've heard of Wish Boards before but never Dream Come True Boards and I think they are just as important because it's important to recognize miracles when they happen. Can't wait to put my book on it when it finally arrives in the mail! Love Bella

Sue said...

Jozien,
I read this entry, and went away and thought about it. And I came back to write to you,but couldn't say the right thing, so I went away and thought again. And now I think I'll try to say.
I'm almost there. You are a little ways ahead of me.
I think that the more you practice letting those thoughts float away, the closer you are. I'm not too good yet at letting them go.
Every time the path takes a turn, you have to remember how all over again.
And I think the meadow will be beautiful; I hope I can join you there.

jozien said...

Thanks Bella and Sue!!!