Tuesday, February 7, 2012
do you belong?
When i am out in the wilderness, i belong.
When i am in my house i am truly at home.
Where ever i am geographically i am at peace.
My body is my own.
I am saying these are some of the ways i am always at ease.
But not so in other ways.
Recently i got this job, one morning a week fitting perfectly in my schedule, it fell into my lap miraculously. But now after three weeks things appear less smooth.
I realize i am at odds with certain things in life.
Other people, i too often feel i do not belong. I might appear confident and all, yet i feel very insecure, thinking i am an oddball, i don't belong. Only once in a while i meet people i feel kinship with, yet it is no guarantee for lasting friendship.
My own husband, i feel little connection, i can look at him and wonder; who is he? who is this stranger?
I have never had a job, where i felt this is it, this is for me. working on my own works best for me.
(i do feel very at home on the Internet :)
At parties i leave early, because really i might have fun and laugh a lot, happy and all, but hey they're not for me.
What is that?
I know several people that love their jobs. How do they do it? Like yesterday at that new job, there were many good moments, but also several less so. And to be honest, maybe i am to critical of people. I can love them quite easily individually, but like yesterday, a for me, new worker came in, she had been absent for my first two weeks, but was part of the program for a long time. She did not introduce herself to me and i know that is not such a big thing, but i feel that lingers.....
Someone called me a young soul recently. I liked that a lot, maybe i am like a baby. Opposed to most people, who seem to feel at ease in relationships, maybe i am just not there yet. Do you forgive me?