Friday, February 6, 2015

your heat, my winter

let me put some pink in no color
there is not much going on
right now
of course there is a lot going on, the cat is still awake, nibbling on some cat food, the fridge is kicking in, the wood stove is making sounds because i turned it down, stoves do that.
and what else? I hear Don's heavy breathing, he just went to bed a minute ago and is already sleeping. My heart beats fast, i wonder if i am always in survival mode, and if it ever will beat normal. The cat tries to get in between me and keyboard. now that is a little irritating.

I could write here about what works for me lately. Of course it is all very relative, because life happens as it does. Would it be better if i was totally different; a perfectionist or extremely slow?  We will never know.Well i do know because i am perfectionist and i am extremely slow.

I am the ultimate perfectionist, i am going nowhere.
so slow,  that sometimes i seem ahead of my time.

i would like to tell you my secret
by now after reading this long introduction 
that i just write to get my fingers typing,
by now you might not put much value in it.

i like it
my own way
which has been tried by many before me and being found worthy.

And it has been brought to me by that book of Michael Singer, the untethered mind.
And i think i already have a post about it, nevertheless
here it is again.

The essence of it all to go with the flow and feel content, happy they call it.

So something happens in life
something bad
something that triggers us
something that creates disturbing feelings.

The first thing is to be aware of it, easier said then done, but i found practice makes perfect.

So in my head, i say to myself

now! Jozien tada! you got it!
 This a moment i feel..... irritated.
Back there the cat.
 Then i explore that feeling;
 where did i feel like this first?
Anything to open my heart to that feeling.
Feel it.
Let it pass through.
Now the cat, i love my cat, but i have done this with other things and sometimes it hurts a lot.
Maybe go somewhere where you can curl in a ball, or whatever way comes to your mind at that moment.

When i actually do reach this point, next time i will applaud myself here while in tears, because i am
at this moment
that i have these emotions.
I the observer.

And that is actually it.
I have found over and over
that the sun starts shining,
things that seemed so wrong, suddenly become right.

I did put the cat on the floor, i do do or say what seems right in that moment.
But often when possible i wait, because it takes a lot of processing for me, that awareness thing.

Now the trick is to not count on that it turns right,
because it is all in the eye of the beholder,
 what makes you upset might give another joy.

And what we learned from the course in miracles way back in them days is here true too
 in the end there is only ourselves to forgive.

hey i am okay with that. I am happy and all is perfect.
 Just the way it is

Try it out if you like.

Febr. 7 This morning  i woke up with a slight headache,  and was wondering in this way that i explained here. Then i thought; oh, maybe simpler is to just drink a glass of water. Which i did not do. Being in half sleep state, i kind of knew of which thoughts to let go, which i did. I forgot which ones as  something about feeling bad about nothing, i think i choose to be happy. Anyway there is a slight lingering of my headache, you probably know that feeling. But the headache is gone.
I did my morning stuff, and i get a phone call.
While talking on the phone i get upset, but not wanting to show it too much, i say things like,i don't understand it, good luck, i love you. I think it showed :)
The thing is i am not fully aware, standing back from my own feelings, as an observer. It is never too late, and i do that after. It is a tight feeling in my chest and throat.
I say to my self open your heart to it Jozien. But i can't really find the feeling, i keep wanting to say to the person, what the heck are you doing? I keep wanting to go in to the story of she is wrong and i am right. If the world only did it my way all would be well. So i become aware of that,open my heart to that. But then i start talking to my husband, and when talking it is very easy to go into the story. ( Which takes me away from what is really going on inside of me)
So i thought i better write it down here, so i know the process.


to be cont.

two hours later. It is a happy morning. What always is amazing that life rushes in so easily and takes over. For me important to reflect.
And with all of this i think we all have to find our own way, what works for us. And you know if it works when you

which can always mean many things, i also felt better, because i got a skype call, from somebody.. who was sharing with me some happy news, which makes me very happy.

Anyway before all that, i did get a chance to go deeper. I bring back the upsetting feeling, Asking myself , where did this start? The subtle answer to that was, somewhere childhood, different instances different situations. But i did touch upon that little girl deep hurt feeling, not knowing quite what. For me to go to the deep end, makes me think i am moving through it. Whatever really it is all in the mind. One day i  might not have to go to feeling of deep hurt, because it is well kind of, inflicting pain on myself.

So there, morning is glory
40 below here :)

ehhh the feeling had to do with  getting reprimanded, but also me the angel and my brother getting blamed for something, it made me feel superior.. probably not in a good way. I never worry so much about the feeling guilt, but i do want to say sorry about that, to my brother ( in my heart). I haven't quite figured it out. I don't think i necessarily have to understand the story, the story not so important.

To the glory of all!

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