Friday, February 13, 2015


My friend, she must think me flaky. But i like it light. i like the book i started writing ( yes:) to be light, my articles are light and surely my writings here, they never go to terrible things. You know sometimes i fall apart from loving too much. How could i handle darkness? My mom told me today as she has told me before, you were either great joy or deeply silent, grim or grave. I wasn't there to observe it, so i don't know what i was, also i have nothing to compare me too. If depression entered in our genes it didn't come in through mom. I know the great joy part, i can relate to that. What can i say when i love too much? and... we had so much fun last night, another friend the one who shares my lightness. I friggin love it how we are. You do not see it in movies or on tv,  i wonder if one can read it in books? How can you write when... you know? there is an edge in you in me, in all the others, the missing link. Don and i, where are so good these days. We have a weekly date now, friday nights he rubs my feet while we watch  a dvd. Not willingly. But it was my ultimatum, "you are my husband, you can friggin once a week rub my feet. " that's it. And he does. It is amazing. Not that he hardly ever rubs my feet, i might even get more pedicural attention, from him, than most. I need so much loving, i don't understand, why i am not adored every single moment of the day. How can you think it is okay to not worship me continuously. Already if you gave me just a little more as you are giving me now, i would be happy. No not depressed, i haven't been for a long time, too much energy running through me continuously these days. We laughed so much, Don and i too tonight, about the movie. but i fall apart for touch, my skin is never saturated enough, i don't know why i choose the desert to be my favorite landscape, the 40 below my temperature. To have a friend is such a blessing, to have a human being  around ones own being for even a little bit of the time. I hear Don flip the pages. he loves that book that my not so flaky friend gave me. I could not possibly read it, actually i know my mother likes tragic books too, my light friend likes horror movies. I don't get it. Like i say, when i love a person, which i often do, i do have a good gene for loving easily. So to continue about that thought i had, that everybody in real life is rather weird, never in movies, they always play their part perfect. People must have tried to make movies that portray real people, but maybe even than it becomes a character. Never in my life. I don't even know me, least of all do i know you. Yet i love you with all my heart, i would do anything for you, but somehow i always end up with lovers who do not need my constant devotion, "just let me read." Please feel blessed when you have a lover that always needs you, that you can dote on him or her everywhere and all the time. I somehow never catch those kind of guys. My life is perfect, can you imagine, the cold night, the warm fire, candlelight and wine keys clicking, papers swishing..... If only your skin would touch mine.... It is a rather screaming tantalizing horror feeling, i won't say it, but you know my mantra from... that dark side.. that i know, just not very well.
hahaha if you get the joke of posting such a screaming picture now, you maybe do understand me a little bit.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This post is a little confusing to me, will have to read it again

Is this a bad thing?
I found a valley of flowers in the mountains
Visit it maybe once a year by myself because I do not want to spoil it and have not found a special person to share it with

You have to walk up into the mountains along a creek to find it

Its always there waiting to brighten my day