Wednesday, June 5, 2013


i will go to my writers group again and  i will write impromptu, which is always easy for me.
Life in general easy for me,
so how come i have the heaviness, that deep sense of dread, that lays just below the surface?
Below that surface of bubbly thoughts and actions joy and laughter.

Do you remember i stopped smoking?
 Well i did, and i still didn't smoke. Sometimes i inhale on a little stick i pick up outside. The longing to smoke is still very great, yet it is easy not to. And when i did smoke, of course the longing was there all the time, now it only surfaces a few times a day, maybe twice just for a brief moment. I can live with that.

But that dread.......
that was there this morning, after i had a bad dream in the night.

Last night a friend asked me about dealing with an angry person.
At my meditation group ( Pema Chodron) that comes up a lot.
I feel annoyed ( is that a form of anger?); how can you worry about angry people when....
and i can't speak out my dread, not here not now, i am so afraid of it.

haha I will say next time; you are so lucky to have people to blame it on. For me, it is all in me.

I have been doing a lot of hiking lately, it seems only when i am hiking i am good
I cry now
I cry because when i am in the woods or on the mountain, i am well, very well.

Not to say there are no negative emotions. sometimes i do feel fear, fear for bears mainly, i will sing. Getting lost less so, i will make a mental mark of the place i am that moment, as to find at least that place again.
Often i feel exhausted early in the hike ( "i can't keep up with these people ahead of me") yesterday on my own i felt i didn't want to go on when i was already  in the alpine ( which is rare, but i was still scaling a top.)

That is it, mainly i feel; elated, excited, joyful, happy, able, peaceful, strong etc

Why can't my bloody therapist or anyone not make me, like i am, when on a mountain hike?
maybe i am just too lucky?


strider said...

Thoughtful Jo
there is a joy in solitude.
one person at one with the environment and nature, self dependant and self assured in their own abilities

take care out there


Matt, Kara, Hunter and Cavan said...

Is this how us northerners express our feelings after a long winter? So many people, and me included, seem to have dealing with overwhelming feelings rights now. Winter was long and we kept all of those feelings cooped up and now we are letting them out.