on the edge

sheeptrail

I have choices, i realize this moment.

My life often so simple, seems too complicated.

No therapist nor therapy has yet freed from

the reoccurring feeling, that life is too difficult for me.

Oh yes what epiphany too realize here now 

that it is so difficult because i have choices

that's very bittersweet

that's irony

I know that maybe many people, do live on the edge.

I feel now that it is so easy to let oneself slip,

to think it is all going to be okay,

somehow, miraculously.

Wistful think is what that's called.

In one therapy i learned; realistic thinking.

Well the reality is, i am going down the hole.....

Please bear with me

pewit or whats

Yes Rob it is a pewit and we here call it ..oops.. Western-wood Pewee
whatever i get so excited and today i learned to actually recognize a Greater Scaup from a lesser Scaup
the following picture , today are Greater Scaups

i have better pictures somewhere,

 but look at the female beak, you might have to click on the image to enlarge it

she has a distinct white blob at her bill, suddenly i also see that her bill is larger than that of the Lesser Scaup

well anyway, in my moose skull lake here there are also Lesser Scaup, which....

Mary taught me the trick. :)

Pee-wees

just a quick note,
I am very happy to announce the after screaming in my yard for a while now,  a pair of pee-wees settled down this morning in the same nest as they have used for years.

Getting obsessed

with the names of the wonders of life.
Today among many thing we  held an butterfly that looks like a Oeneis uhleri, Uhler's Arctic.

And also too obsessed with trying to see the inside of it's wings.

Why i wonder?

The butterfly too strong for us anyway, it did not let us pry open it's wings.

Now that says something doesn't it?

ha! and Alexander

yesterday he got his diploma in Paramedics

and my brother Marinus and sister-in-law Sabina were there

thank you!

a day of rain and shine

brought the butterflies out in even larger numbers

 (Taiga?) Alpine

 the same Alpine

 ?

? Duskywing

 Large Marbles

 the same two

 a Sulphur

Canadian Tiger Swallowtail

and many Silvery Blues and many more little pinky sized butterflies and one checkerspot type butterfly

and for the butterflies

on the wing:

Blues, looking like Silvery Blues

Whites,

Sulphurs, one, it looked like a Giant Sulphur

and then there is that black one that i have seen a lot,but can't figure out what it could be, it does have an orange spot somewhere.

and i did meet a Mourning Cloak last week, looking pretty spiffy, not as in worn down after a long hibernation.

 Every day we are eating fireweed shoots, but i also like to get a spring meal of coltsfoot flowershoots in every spring. Not so, this year. I saw a few munched on flowershoots at elfin creek, and only two flowers at my favorite patch, the leaves were already coming up.

tonight

i will go to my writers group again and  i will write impromptu, which is always easy for me.
Life in general easy for me,
so how come i have the heaviness, that deep sense of dread, that lays just below the surface?
Below that surface of bubbly thoughts and actions joy and laughter.

Do you remember i stopped smoking?
 Well i did, and i still didn't smoke. Sometimes i inhale on a little stick i pick up outside. The longing to smoke is still very great, yet it is easy not to. And when i did smoke, of course the longing was there all the time, now it only surfaces a few times a day, maybe twice just for a brief moment. I can live with that.

But that dread.......
that was there this morning, after i had a bad dream in the night.

Last night a friend asked me about dealing with an angry person.
At my meditation group ( Pema Chodron) that comes up a lot.
I feel annoyed ( is that a form of anger?); how can you worry about angry people when....
and i can't speak out my dread, not here not now, i am so afraid of it.

haha I will say next time; you are so lucky to have people to blame it on. For me, it is all in me.

I have been doing a lot of hiking lately, it seems only when i am hiking i am good
I cry now
I cry because when i am in the woods or on the mountain, i am well, very well.

Not to say there are no negative emotions. sometimes i do feel fear, fear for bears mainly, i will sing. Getting lost less so, i will make a mental mark of the place i am that moment, as to find at least that place again.
Often i feel exhausted early in the hike ( "i can't keep up with these people ahead of me") yesterday on my own i felt i didn't want to go on when i was already  in the alpine ( which is rare, but i was still scaling a top.)

That is it, mainly i feel; elated, excited, joyful, happy, able, peaceful, strong etc

Why can't my bloody therapist or anyone not make me, like i am, when on a mountain hike?

maybe i am just too lucky?

evening visitor

big black bear

crocus

Pulsatilla - 'from the beating of the flower by the wind'

an anemone , windflower.

yet we all know it is our crocus.

Pulsatilla patens, patens probably referring to openness

Like the dandelion this flower is unmistakable, even the seedhead not shown here, once you know it there is no doubt.

As i am trying to identify another anemone i have encountered twice this week,  mnt Sima and Squash Berry mnt. Were they both anemone parviflora, why not drummondii?

Pema Chodron teaches me to be in doubt, but it is a crazy place in on a  daily base, it does give me peace to be there in meditation. But another subject that drives me loony is of a totally different kind.

People in general are so clear they want to end slavery, but isn't it clear that they are the slave drivers.

they consume the goods made by those slaves.

I think their motto this morning was, 'give us money so we can end slavery in 2016'

but isn't it that money that we attained over the backs of those slave?

This is my plan for today, to point at one item which i use in my life, which i can acquire next time around, that all people involved, down to the laborers getting the minerals out of the earth, get equal wages to as i get. No flipping fair wages What is fair about people working for me for 9 dollars an hour, when i do not do any job for less then 20.

I know i will not succeed, i don't know the answer