more of the same

snow

the next moment

I am listening to the radio again. The pass here is closed. (The road to Skagway).
I like to look at things metaphorically. The way i look at this announcement is that i am here right now, not able to cross the summit, high winds, avalanches and lots of snow. Even if crews are working for me to open it all up, this is where i am now.
I am very appriciated of those crews. You reading my blogs are one of them.


Yesterday, i did experience many moments of being in the present, hours even.
The most joyful, modelling for two hours in my life-drawing class. :)
This was something i had never done and no real training.
And that makes me wonder. In my wanderings in wild places, i also have a great need to be exploratory, finding out new things.

But really you tell me, being in the present, means that you can be totally fulfilled in this one moment. Which does always flows into the next, but also has a inherent aspect of stagnation.



I am just searching for words here, to describe my search.
And i won't call it rambling, because i do have an aim.
To know myself :)

I do know i am a fuddle :)

In the moment

I laugh, i laugh
I should not be typing now, there is a beautiful program on the CBC radio now. About the cultural show of last night in the Yukon Arts Centre. I think it's the one that will go to the Olympics in Vancouver. I love the music, the singing, the story.
I laugh, i laugh
It is snowing big time, earlier going to the outhouse, i had to trudge through the snow.
and i who was wishing for this snow, wonder why i didn't go on longer walks when there was little snow, the way i love it. Now it's too late, i will have to use skies or snowshoes.
I laugh, a little less
It's colder out, again.
With the running/ski club i lead, i secretly was happy to be running still and not skiing. Today was going to be skiing, but now with this cold we be inside running yet again, I wish so much we could go skiing.
I laugh no more
Why can't i get to seem it right? This living in the moment, which i always prided myself on, which i was so good at. Why do i keep thinking of delicious pasts or wishing for some glorious future?
I do smile
I am brimming with energy, here now, to write even if my writing skills are not what i like them to be, even if i can only speak of half truths because of fear.
What do you think is there hope for me?

Yours,
laughingly, lovingly
knowing you who come here are at least reading me
jozien x

my boneyard

displays my gratitude for mother earth providing abundantly,thanks. A squirrel nibbling on this season's (Dec/09) bison hoof

Bison skulls from 07/08/09
We do eat less than one animal a year, the meat is all shared.Actually just this week i made broth with the last moose bone of 2006.

A bison(07) and moose(06) rawhide.
I did those myself, lots of hard work. When you stay overnight with me, you get to sleep on them.

Aug 06 moose antler, the velvet still on.

Hi Raven

When the Raven talks to me, i say; hi Christopher, how are you doing?
And no, i don't call the raven, Christopher. I do mean Christopher there in Oregon.
Yesterday he had an interesting post about food, the dilemma of eating.
Tomorrow i will make a photo of remains of what i eat (today's didn't work out, but the raven did:)
So i eat oranges and i do eat meat.
But at least with the meat, i do feel i am in the very fortunate position, of being there from the very beginning till the end. The only thing i don't do is pull the trigger. And i probably never will, i could not. But really i think, by eating meat, i should be able to kill too.
And for oranges i like to add; I don't know what people earn, who pick them for me, but i should be willing to do that job, for whatever money they make and under whatever conditions they work.
hmmmmmm i like chocolate too, a lot. and it doesn't grow on my tree, which ain't mine anyway. Ohhhh all these dilemmas.
I just think it's a good thing to think about these things, once in a while. Thanks Christopher.

Found

i rejoice the day
when i will be found
it's too cold here
to be lost in the woods
to sleep with the deer
in their beds in the snow

i wonder
do you even miss me
do you know i am lost
lost in those lonesome woods
in this world of white
white light and light grays
a stripe of very soft blue in the sky

Really i never was lost in winter wonderland, knowing i could always trace back my tracks in the snow. And i was never unfortunate enough to be caught in a blizzard erasing all my steps.
Alexander on the other hand was lost once in the snow. The girl, he says, asked him to go out-of-bounds.(Yes, you Kayla) I was waiting there at the ski chalet, the mountain already closed. The ski patrol searching for the two of you.
You were found.
I have been lost here in the summer though, in endless willows. But does it count, because i know the land, i am lost in. It is unnerving though. First there is the getting lost. Jane and i are thinking we go in the right direction, thinking we should come out by the river shortly. Somehow we don't, we keep on going, 'knowing' the river should appear. After a long time we do find a river, but is it the one we were looking for? Then there is a while of random search of where the heck we are.
By now we are so deep in the willows that totally block our view, and the ground under our feet is disappearing, turning from swamp to water.
I think that's when we say; STOP. So we stop, consult the map, search our minds for possibilities.
We do find a little raise in the land that gives us a slight view through the trees, enough to get a glimpse of Jo-jo peak (we are lucky). We do have a compass, so now we walk in a straight line towards where we know now the peak is. And surely we find our way again. And even reach our destination(Which was of unparalleled beauty)
I like to add we do get lost again that day, now in the fast fading light...... finding our way in the pitch black.
haha that's yet another story.

Wasn't i going to talk about, being found?
I have no stories about myself being found........in the wild.
I realize, i have always been able to rely on my own resources.
I wonder now, is that good or too bad?

me finding me
how hard can that be?
because here i am
always home
in my own divinity

Sometimes

you read something, a post or a book, that you really like, but sometimes i read something that, stirs in me, a wish; that i could write like that. Rachel you did that just now (the waxing moon). And i am reading a book by Karen Conolly.
How i wish.
But all i can do is just write like me :)

Today Don and i went skidoing. Now what kind of opening line is that? But then the trail was first very rough too, there really is not enough snow here. I am bounced around badly. I do wear all the right gear. But what is the right gear? Today i wear a fancy Yamaha face mask under my scarf, toque and hood. I find soon that it just becomes very snotty, underneath. And eventually my left cheek gets very cold with that trapped moisture. My right hand gets cold from holding the throttle. I am wearing, fleece gloves, army liners and bison mittens. And my right foot gets cold.

On our way back, i know at one point; from now on it's just surviving, knowing i will be home in a half hour. I hunker into myself as good as i can, while moving the specific body parts, that are on the verge of freezing up. I don't enjoy the scenery anymore, just focusing on staying warm and getting home. Which still is somehow enjoyable, haha, how you wonder. See writing is so hard, how do i explain? But maybe you know the feeling. The skidoo is kind of carrying me, as when as a child i fell asleep during an event and my dad lifts me up and carries me home, I am sooo tired, but i know soon my dad will put me in my own bed, in the meanwhile i am safe in his arms....

Beside all that, we have a very good adventure, following the winding Mendenhall river, which brings you nowhere really, as it loops back onto it self a thousand times.
But the sliding through this open tunnel of snow is dreamlike.
Don likes to get onto the meadows on the other side, but there are no tracks set yet by anyone. I know of a way, but he doesn't ask me :)
We find a beautiful levee, that we explore a bit by walking. It's compared to most levees beside the river, very open, with beautiful big and very tall spruce trees.
We do find a passage for the skidoos, but end up in a meadow surrounded by thick willow. But it's good enough, what do they say? (which i never like actually) It's the journey that counts, not the destination. Well you know i am getting cold, so i am happy with this journey without destination. Happy to turn back.
My cheeks still glow. (or is that the shimmering body gel, i got for Christmas)