When?

 When is enough enough?

Or maybe rather, when do i just accept what is?

 Today i experienced a bit of vertigo again, i did the Eply Manouver, it seems to work.

This summer, i stood underneath a falling boulder, I stepped aside and it brushed past me.

For a while now  what i have been thinking about; is there virtue in prolonging life for the elderly.

It is a very scarry topic, i for sure cannot talk about others.

But may I , here, can i, talk about myself. myself on the verge of what i call elderly.

I am 61, when i google it, decline has already set in. Which does not mean anything really.

I could still have 30 years of  a meaningful life, and  even when not meaningful. What is wrong with just celebrating being alive?

Let me cut to the chase; for me i like to wrap my head around the fact to not go through extreme measures.

 Maybe i am just talking about my lifestyle. which has not included much medical intervention. I sprained a few ankles and such. And  now i appearantly am prone to having vertigo. 

I take no medication, and in my life i probably had a handful of antibiotica cures, as a kid my mom gave us pills for worms, but that is it. I am proud of that. If i have something i try to work it with looking at the emotional causes,  at lifestyle causes.  I do meditation, i take herbs that i pick myself, and did take ginger to battle the nausea that came with my vertigo. As i got very sick when i first tried the Epley manouver, i took 1 gravol pill when i tried it myself next time.

So sure  I can keep going that route. I hope i can that is

When climbing and that boulder above me let loose, i felt a great sense of wanting to be alive.

When i was sick with vertigo, really i did not get how people live through that, i wanted to die ( not in a suicidal way) but more like i needed all that i could muster to breath through it. and i did.

So taking one gravol pill, am i destined for that path, just one more pill, one more procedure. I hope not 

I do find it scary to say it here, i am totally blessed with family and friends, many loved ones that are still here.

So yes that is a thing for me too, i pray daily that Don will stay with me for a long time to come. That moment i do not want it to ever appear.

How strange, how strange, this thing called alive. And when dead has taken one in, there is no turning back. I have always seen that. When there is life, there is always a choice.

So yes i choose for now to just stay on my path,  take that one gravol, when things are tough, step aside when  something comes thundering towards me.

But please help to not go down a route of more and more crutches.

Writing this, i am writing this, just wanting to know if there is people who think the same, i think many of us, my age and older, will think no let me not become like my mom... But how do we do that?

I s there some support group for me, that says, he when the day comes  that i am too dependent for others or pills then my liking, can i softly breath in and out one more time.

Is that possible to plan to go peacefully when that day comes?

Does that day ever come?

Can I grow in awareness?

I am anxious to hear your thoughts? don't be shy, as a friend said to me recently. Thank you for that friend !