tonight

i will go to my writers group again and  i will write impromptu, which is always easy for me.
Life in general easy for me,
so how come i have the heaviness, that deep sense of dread, that lays just below the surface?
Below that surface of bubbly thoughts and actions joy and laughter.

Do you remember i stopped smoking?
 Well i did, and i still didn't smoke. Sometimes i inhale on a little stick i pick up outside. The longing to smoke is still very great, yet it is easy not to. And when i did smoke, of course the longing was there all the time, now it only surfaces a few times a day, maybe twice just for a brief moment. I can live with that.

But that dread.......
that was there this morning, after i had a bad dream in the night.

Last night a friend asked me about dealing with an angry person.
At my meditation group ( Pema Chodron) that comes up a lot.
I feel annoyed ( is that a form of anger?); how can you worry about angry people when....
and i can't speak out my dread, not here not now, i am so afraid of it.

haha I will say next time; you are so lucky to have people to blame it on. For me, it is all in me.

I have been doing a lot of hiking lately, it seems only when i am hiking i am good
I cry now
I cry because when i am in the woods or on the mountain, i am well, very well.

Not to say there are no negative emotions. sometimes i do feel fear, fear for bears mainly, i will sing. Getting lost less so, i will make a mental mark of the place i am that moment, as to find at least that place again.
Often i feel exhausted early in the hike ( "i can't keep up with these people ahead of me") yesterday on my own i felt i didn't want to go on when i was already  in the alpine ( which is rare, but i was still scaling a top.)

That is it, mainly i feel; elated, excited, joyful, happy, able, peaceful, strong etc

Why can't my bloody therapist or anyone not make me, like i am, when on a mountain hike?

maybe i am just too lucky?