what's up?

and who's down?
i cannot concentrate very well today
maybe it's because i hiked 12 hours yesterday
maybe it is something else
and now i cannot get in the groove of anything
-
this morning i woke up to an elk in the driveway
i love this life
maybe maybe i can just stand here royally
and know
it is all good
which it is
don't you love it when you know it is!
even if you cannot wrap your mind around that
in any possible way
-
oh and have you seen the moon lately? it apparently has been quite incredible lately, last night it was most awesome!

Jubilee Mountain

That's where i was
and jubilant for sure
we would have maybe called her
heat and smoke,(although i myself did not smoke :)
and apparently it was 30C in the valleys below, when we stood on top
another name we gave her; caribou antler drop,(we counted over a dozen)
acid lake mountain (we swam, i all the way across)
endless views
But truly Jubilee her name.
I will over the course of the day write more about this hike

still not smoking :)

I was not going to post today, but Sue you asked about it :) thanks, so here you go.
I do have to leave in 10 minutes though.
At moments i still do find it extremely hard, these moments become less and less indeed.
At such moments i sometimes even put a cigarette in my mouth, without lightning it (how sick:).
But this time around quitting, something clicked in my mind, that whatever i feel, i won't light up. I know i won't.
Till..... later later when i forget all about that strong conviction.
I promise here i will let you know if i do, i will make it public:)
As hard as it is and definitely was, i do think quitting smoking is easy compared to eating less or (Gerard:)exercising more. Because it is clear, everything is very clear. In my mind smoking is bad (which it isn't necessarily) and , it is clear that i can't have none! nothing of that more or less stuff. Also it is my own choice. I am not forced. I would have trouble with that, i do not like authority.
To get over the hump as i call it; i type , or i drink coffee.
To not fall into the longing: i plan clearly what i do next! as for me

I gotta go! Got that transformation (what's the right word?? help me) taken care of.

colors

Kusawa lake
Just a soft day
the finest sand
hot sun cold water
i did swim but not so brave
now i am home
painting
i will use some of what i seen today
water, sparkles, mountains, skin that glows
what colors do i use for something that is perfect as it is?

Hmmmm. someone gave me a beautiful astrology reading for my birthday. And it was right on. To feel contentment with what is, i threw pluto taurus and house 8 (i think) and the first draw, mars aries 10. Not so peaceful as in laying in soft sand, so this was a day to contemplate, what this messages really says.
I'll just paint. :)

I just found out there's another birthday, today,
in pink light Shaddaiah

birthday party

surprise! wednesday the 28 i am turning 50.

Aeshna juncea

Darners, rushes, thoraxes. Sedge!
(mutter mutter)
Sedges have edges and rushes are round!
don't you know that?Now 'Aeshna' that's a beautiful name.
This dragonfly an Aeshna juncea.
Today, day 7, oh it's all up to my mind now? Well, i am very annoyed. It is very annoying to think of a wonderful cigarette, don't you love it, to deeply inhale, to go up in smoke, ahhh breath out :)
So today i am like a little child, stamping my feet.

And there was this beautiful dragonfly, he is dead.
But so we get to see it very clearly. It is a Darner and to be precise a Sedge Darner. It is amazing how the shape of the lines on the thorax determine which species. To think that there are all sorts of darners, but defined by little stitches like that.
When you look at the lace of their wings. Amazingly i see here in the book that all Emeralds, Darners and Skimmers use the same pattern to crochet their wings.

As for Juncea that word refers to Rushes, where in the book i use (Dragonflies of Alaska by John Hudson and Robert H. Armstrong) they give this dragonfly the common name of Sedge Darner. Which puts me on an edge, i would like to be round.

a truly lovely day

With truly amazing artists.

Ryley sells this art for 40 dollars, (let me know if your interested)

This is a handcrafted piece of sterling silver from Brad Moore. (i traded it:)

-my booth-

Sorry no photos of the musicians.
I did draw and painted Frog Mountain. See the drawing by 365 views
:):):) another day i did not smoke :):):)
i can now walk by a cigarette, with a sort of sweetness; how i would love that, but don't anymore.

something new

Hi There!
I am doing it, it is day 6, and if what Jos says is true, i might be over the worst. This morning it feels like it.
I am off to the fmmf, frog mountain music festival, first i didn't feel like going, but now i am excited. So we'll see it doesn't really matter, maybe i have a miserable day in the rain:) that's okay, i know i won't smoke, so it's good.
Yesterday something else happened, as i was going through my cravings quite badly, a man shows up :)
I loooove men :) well i do, but that's beside the point. More than anything i love an adventure, (that doesn't sound right either) I love something new, i dwell on things different, new and exciting.
A new path through the woods, a place where i never listened to the birds before, smelling the flowers, i love that.
Michael from new Mexico, was here for a couple of hours, and i thought of smoking only twice. Where as when i am with people i know and nevertheless dearly love, my mind will easily wander and you know where it goes.
When in a 'new' situation, i'll be totally absorbed.
I think it was Paul who suggested, something new, but somehow i couldn't think of anything. So is there a secret to it when it befalls on me (how do you say that?)
Is it more exciting when i do not premeditate it?
Yes for me that's true; falling in love out of the blue.
(By the way, i did not fall in love with this man, honestly, he is just very nice and helped me a lot without knowing it. Thanks Michael!)

garden update

It's raining and the sun is shining.
That says it for me too.
The garden is loving it! and everything is coming along as expected :)
I am not loving it, today i did cry. If anything i have now a very deep respect for people who quit anything they hang on to. Just a few days ago the gophers returned to my garden. I am not asking them to leave yet. Now why should i ask anybody to give up anything they love.
But seriously, if you know me longer, i will talk to the critters of the woods, and they do listen. As for gophers i will ask them not to move in under my house.
If you have any trouble with critters, i urge you to try this method first, it is most gentle and very respectful and VERY EFFECTIVE.
When crying, because this is just too hard for me, i saunter in my garden and truly there is always something that lifts the spirit.
and my sorrows forgotten. Close to the rain barrel, there are at least 6 young Juncos, a Junco is not a shy bird as it is, but these little ones have less fear for me as their smaller looking, more streamlined parents.
In the thick foliage of my wild garden, the wild strawberries are now ripe
My picture maybe didn't work out for the tiny juicy shining strawberries.
I kind of liked it how it did turn out.
Day 5
what a life

black is beautiful

in essence it's the easiest hard thing
i've ever gone through
nothing's at stake
to come out of this tar
there's only takings

Day 4 is slowly passing

Holy, This is so hard for me.
What i was wondering
does any of you who ever went through this,
know
if it actually does become easier?
Now it seems i am just biding time
distracting my mind etc, where the urge keeps coming back as strong as ever.
It is now debilitating me.
Nothing sensible comes out of me
Hahaahahhaha this blogging is saving my life
or am i fooling myself
i am not dealing with it appropriately
am i as i said just distracting myself, where it will hit harder every time i come to myself

waves
the ocean 's black
waves without a crest
they hit me hard
pull me under
spit me out again
never am i going anywhere
i used to love that game
and i still will
when the ocean would be closer
when there is salty water
for real surrounding me
again again
we walk into the surf
and let the mighty power
play with us
now
the waves are dry
the salt it
lashes on my skin
i do not like it
i do not like it
not one little bit

hmmmm

I am still only thinking smoke, no clear vision yet.
-I am doing it-
but that's it, i came home early, only to almost fail.
What do i do? what do i do when i get up from this computer? I am running out of steam.
-I will persevere-
thank you again for all the support, it helps so much.


This is the view of the mountain, (that i draw everyday) from the Alaska Highway, around where i pick berries.

I can tell you two stories, that are keeper of wild places-ish.

This morning i almost was not going to work. Last night i decided not to go, i just needed to somehow overcome THIS. I'll do anything, except smoking, i never never want to go through this again!!!
Anyway i do wake up at 5 am. With A SMILE ON MY FACE i have no idea where that came from. So i am awake i am happy, so indeed i might as well go to work. I don't start that early, but on Thursday morning i go to a meditation group at 7 am, and meditate for an hour. Ain't i Good? (sarcastically)
At this job i have Thursday morning, there is a crying dog, i cannot handle crying dogs, especially not today! So while being payed and not having asked my boss, i take the dog for a long walk.
:) there's trails to treasures everywhere .
It is lovely, i have often looked down this trail while driving by, it looks straight and flat. Well it is not. It turns into a lovely dark moss bos (a name Margriet, who is Dutch and i came up with, bos means forest) The dog pulls this way and that, as i am already overstepping boundaries, i dare not let him loose. Up and down the trail we go, there is an opening in the forest ahead, the terrain more gravelly now. It seems an old creek bed, or ancient gravelpit, i don't now. It is just a swale in the forest. It might be wet there in the bottom, among the willows. Hey you know me, i would go in :) and probably the dog too. But we are not supposed to be here. :) We walk back, I bring the dog in, and quit my job :) thinking she will be okay when i am not around.

Story two

I am not much of berry picker really. I wander off, or play. Don't you love it, when you're with your lover, trying to pick berries, the juices and the warm rocks, it's just too much (sorry i wandered off a bit)
And i know i am not a real picker, because i never have that were i keep my patch secret, I like to share! So i my self will pick longer, when being able to talk with company (as long as it is not that lover)

I do feel like a real berry picker, because the berries are always giving themselves so abundantly to me (and to my husband by the way, now there's a berry picker if you ever met one) He and i always find berries.
And i have to admit i often ignore their calling me. I hardly picked any wild strawberries this year.
Today i went straight to the raspberry motherload. I was able to find places to sit on a nice big boulder and just pick pick pick. The terrain very steep, i soon ran out of such perfect spots, or was just my wanderlust? I wandered off and well this is so typically Don or me, i found a better spot yet. Well Don would have picked the first spot clean before moving on. But well he is working. At least someone around here does takes work serious!

Yes I can!

-barely-
Once i am in the car of to town, i am good and can i breath :)
I forgot to draw the mountain, here a photo.
Yesterday i drew it standing on my head :)

THANKS!!! for supporting me

raspberries

Thank you Brian, Kara, Cicero and Fireweedmeadow (i forgot your name)
This really helps you know.
It kind of centres me, to sit here and listen to you and write about it.
IT is really hard now, my mind starts playing tricks on me, telling me stuff: like one is ok.... or tomorrow.... Not it is not ok and not even tomorrow.
I am making some tea (i give that a try instead of coffee that i did that yesterday.
And friends are good, I was in good company all morning, I will stay away from the smokers indeed.
This morning at 8 am i was at the raspberry patch, i found the motherload (shown here) when i was about to leave:)

I stepped outside for a bit here now, because the Ravens are making a commotion, i can't see what it is about. Well any distraction helps. They were just screaming 3 of them. I have no dogs or anything that really attracts Ravens, so they really only stop by to tell me something....
I am going to see if i can nap :) somewhere in the shadow, listen to the Ravens, they are still at it.
I feel i don't have much energy. Probably from trying to stay focused on non-smoking.
Next two days i am in town. That again is both good and not.
As i said, i am really a closet smoker, i never smoked during the day when in town.

Tell me again i can do it.

Thanks:)

Day 2

Ahggr
I am kind of neurotic now
Nighttime was easy, the sweetness of sleep :)
I am going to pick raspberries.
I am scared to go away from the house.

Before i was a smoker, as soon i would get home, i would take a dive for the fridge. Even if i just ate. When i smoked, as soon as i got home i would....indeed, i do not want to say it anymore.
Do you have behavior like that?
By the way, it did not effect my weight at all, when i changed. I don't think i will gain now, when i start diving for the fridge more. Weight is not my issue, i am very blessed that way, I have been 68 kilos for almost 20 years.

Thanks thanks thanks for hanging in there with me!

Linnaea borealis

or shocking IV a field of twin flowers.

the blueberries are ripe
so are the raspberries

I did not smoke today
i will go to bed early
it's hard, what is hard are the intense moments of craving. and that's just what they are; moments of craving, they don't make me unhappy or sad. I just feel like dropping on the floor, and kind of die, feeling i never make it.
Hey you know what i do not even have to literally fall on the floor. In other occasions i have done that.

Hey but what i want to write,
This is one amazing summer! Most days are warm enough to sit outside:), even hot for Yukon standards. And the most amazing thing i c

Oh my... a penis, maybe i go now :)

Even making love is done outside in this neck of the woods, because what i was going to say; NO MOSQUITOES here this summer. As i am painting a lot and not hiking so much, i do find that quite amazing. Other years one usually has to move, to stay ahead of the mosquitoes.

hey i better go to that man of mine.

toodeloo

shocking III

yesterday i swam here

swimming upstream
one doesn't get very far
rain is falling out
of a clear blue sky
my painting is turning out so well
it makes me frizzle
my body screams
for a smoke:)
the music blaring
my ears split
and scare off blondy
the bear coming my way


You know what is most shocking, i didn't start smoking somewhere early 2009,
when i had found my way,
when i knew i was totally at the right place at the right time.
Haha when i was keeper of wild places at it's best.
And what else more shocking yet, i mainly smoke my husband's butt ends. I once found a full fresh package of tobacco. My husband hating to see me smoke butts (you know i have no shame, that can be a problem sometimes) gives me tobacco now. I only once paid for a cigarette, 2 bucks :) thanks Neal, i do love you for it.
I hardly ever smoke in town, not many people know i smoke, smoked that is.

So you might think it should be easy to quit. Well up to today, with all honesty i would say; i stop, but somehow it never worked. Somehow there was these gaps and i would fall in and find myself smoking.

shocking II

God provides.
Northern Pike
from the Takhini river
we'll eat it tonight


In the last post, i referred to an Alanon slogan. I am Alanon, not AA.
So now I wonder, how do you actually stop, how do you it?
I do do the steps; i am powerless over cigarettes. haha that sounds so funny, i can see that cigarette doing all kind of antics to get to me, to get me to....haha
Ok i am not so nice today, you will find me here quite cynical.

But as for Alanon and other Paths i have taken. They are all beautiful, like my walks in the wild. I will today post yesterday's photo's of the Beauty i daily live in.

But step 2 and 3. I realize now, my God as i understand him, is benevolent, fun, beauty, love (he even loves naughty loving;), etc anything i wish for!
So maybe maybe today i am ready for a God who is a little stricter...hmmmm

Yesterday i finally saw the pair of crossbeaks, a bright red, black and white flash, that has been frequenting our yard, i'll go sit outside by the rain water basin to try to get a photo. I am trying to keep myself busy, especially in a transittion. That's why i am telling you what i do next, so i don't have a gap, of even two seconds.
And not too busy, because i find when i over exert myself, i feel i deserve a cigarette.

toodeloo

shocking!

I was a smoker.
I stopped this morning
My last puff was 11 pm last night, which is 9 hours ago
I am stopping, FOREVER, not this for this moment or just for today thing, that has not worked.
I, i, i, it's all about me today, i'll keep you updated.

Any suggestion or questions appreciated!
Thanks

Alexander

He looks tanned and happy! He biked (jumped) with the very best, and when the movie Grant McWaters shot is ready, i give you the link. :) ok i'm proud.
Oh yes, his ankle is only sprained. Hmmmm what do you do, if your son is into extreme sports? I really do not know.

brimming

OK quick, i was going to write about my nettle patch, this is it, it turned out perfect, when you look closely you see nettles, that is an improvement to last year.
But i gotta be quick, posting today.

Alexander phoned!!! He will be home in 45 minutes! I am sooo happy. ( even with his cast, yeh i know not so good)

But i here, being in my super day brimming with sunshine and positive energy.
I do always feel bad having expressed my downers, because they appear and disappear as fast, as the light travels and arrages and array of colors.(i do know what i want to say here about an array of colors, but the preceding word is totally off, if you know it, please help me out)
Ok i know i am a little schizo
definitely now
cooking macaroni with shrimp shaggy mane sauce/typing away/my mind racing.
That's what he phoned for: mom, cook me a nice supper i am very hungry

celia made my day

CELIA McBRIDE

It is one of those days today. I won't go in details, because i guess you all have them, once in a while. I just don't feel so good, and things do go wrong, and i am bothered by those things.
How often do you have days like that? Is there an acceptable standard?
I have them at least once a week, is that average, or am i in bad shape?

But than again sitting here pondering, this post is going to be quite uplifting.
Arts Underground sold one of my paintings this week!
There is two families of ducks with ducklings in the little lake here:)
Hmmm and now i can't think of a third thing.

But anyway, not wanting to cook dinner or do anything productive or pleasurable. Ha, i turn on the computer. And who is on my email it is Celia! She's got a beautiful new website. She is this amazing lady! I am sure she doesn't have days like this :)

For now she is going to be my role model. Because also after selling my painting, being on a high for two days, now i doubt if i can live up to my own standards and the ones of the Gallery, they only so so accept my best work. (writing it like this, makes me realize; my goodness they DO accept some of my work, that is no little feat, jozien)

When i look at Celia...... it's good.

And the amazing coincidence!!!
I love coincidences and they do happen a lot to me.
As i read her website, i see that the title of one of her movies is 'last stop for miles' Now i happened to borrow that movie yesterday from the library. Not knowing it is hers. I never really look what i take,i just take a quick pick, as they are for free anyway, so i have something to watch on an evening like this.

I'll cook supper first.

Grizzly cub

So cute!and actually i didn't get a photo when it was most adorable.
First it lumbered in the yard, shaking his long blond locks, of course i did not have my camera at that point
later when Destiny talked Bear to it, it stood up to check us out, i think my battery ran out, that time

But enough pictures in between.
Destiny and i were doing timetables at the pick nick table. I'm Destiny's tutor, 5 days a week. (And besides the point, i started another job today, home care for a friend here in the neighbourhood.) Anyway, as we are multiplying away, this cuddly thing walks in. 1 cub equals 2 or more. An answer like that totally disturbs our lesson.
We run in the house, and only momentarily shaky, we watch from the window.
We never do see momma bear. I think this is an a year old cub.
Today Destiny was going to ride her little scooter home, by herself, hmmm i phoned grandpa, who came and drove her home in his truck.
What is about kids these days, getting driven around all the time:)

And i have seen this before, the bear was definitely eating Oxytropis, Locoweed, poisonous to us people.

Amazing Grace

Sometimes...
Life is just so good
I had to come in and blog about it.

As i am sitting on my new deck in my pink bathrobe in the setting sun,
the forest a glow with evening light
blue sky with white clouds
ever so slightly turning color
some bees still buzzing
in the magenta fireweed
As i am sitting here
a raven flies by, doing somersaults
in the distance he joins the others
crackling, talking to me
at that moment music comes from inside the house
guess what
how good can it get
indeed; someone (in a movie:) sings, Amazing Grace

A Colias on an Oxytrope.

In the afternoon, i already found similar bliss, sauntering around the woods chasing butterflies, the little blues and the bright yellow sulphurs.
As he rests here you only see the outside of the wings, the inside totally bright yellow.
Dreaming in the grass,
my thoughts they flutter .....blue and .....yellow.
(Please fill in the dotted lines with your most brilliant names for colors:)

treasures everywhere

(dear haagje,:)
In the early eighties, i lived in The Hague. First in the Willem Pijperstraat later in the Sinasappelstraat and at the end i moved up:) to the Veenendaalkade. All the stories! that flood into our minds when we remember certain details of the past.

everywhere we are
there's treasures
in the laughter in the tears
in the noise
and in the silence
colors
when we let them
they reflect tenfold

It's at the Veenendaalkade that i worked on coming to Canada. I do have fond memories there, but it all ended with a crash. I rented a room from this uptown peace activist. I worked as a teacher during the week, partied in the weekend, and was the goalie on a soccer team, it was the mud i loved not the winning:)
So often i came home full of mud or full of alcohol, but i don't think that was it, the drop was that i was not up-town, i was a country girl, and would drink beer on the 'stoep' steps in front of her front door with the neighbors. That was atrocious!
She, my landlady, tried to make problems for me at work and immigration, nothing worked, i was flawless:) but finally she did kick me out on a moments notice, i phoned my brothers that instant, who came and got me and all my belongings, within the hour i threw her the key.

oh well
i never found much
peace
within me
i just see it
outside my self
everywhere
always
rubies and diamonds
surrounding me

new view

At the back of the house Don build me a new deck, the deck we found on the dump.
It is almost finished, just needs to be painted.
Standing on the deck, looking around,
a new view of the mountains appeared.
It was actually clear all day, in the evening clouds rolled in in the South, rain clouds.
I liked the look of how the clouds rolled in.
Recently i saw a beautiful exposition in the Art Centre by .... ?(go to Nicole Bauberger)
Anyway her whole show was many paintings of the same mountain on different days over two years. Yehh :) now i would like to do that of that view. Oh Haagje Hagazussa inspired me too, she is making a photo everyday. Now i could make a painting of that mountain every day every way.

This was the first one
kiss
oops it came out a little different

today's opportunity

Right after i wrote my flash 55 (see below) the opportunity came to dive into Kusawa lake with Nora.


An opportunity it is, as the weather is not often warm enough to jump in this deep long(70km) cold lake.
Thanks Nora!

an opportunity

one eye open
one eye closed
an opportunity falls out of the sky
only later, much later
when the fragrance lingers
i see
the white roses
never have they bloomed so lavishly
the garden heavy with their scent
i breath deeply
maybe just maybe
this is the almighty way
eventually all roses turn to snow


this is for Galen
Galen
join his flash 55
thanks to the 'cramped hand writers' group in Whitehorse
with Jessica Simon(from Ice to Ahes)
and eva

Radium Hotspring

Yahoo! Just now Alexander phoned,
"mom i can't talk very long....."
But i am radiantly happy. (My pain? what pain)
He and his friend are driving from Whitehorse YT to Creston BC.
Yes, to go into a competition.

here is that screamer

when i hurt i scream
i am not one to suffer in silence
i don't know if that's good or bad
to scream for every little thing
i am not calling wolf or anything
it feels so deep my pain
today it did retreat
residing somewhere in my chest
not in my throat
where i can no more speak
not higher yet
just before the tears start flowing
when they roll across my cheeks
i want to lay there on the floor
and kick and scream
it's not like that today
i didn't even feel it heavy in my chest
when i gave love
and was loved back
abundantly