Flaky

My friend, she must think me flaky. But i like it light. i like the book i started writing ( yes:) to be light, my articles are light and surely my writings here, they never go to terrible things. You know sometimes i fall apart from loving too much. How could i handle darkness? My mom told me today as she has told me before, you were either great joy or deeply silent, grim or grave. I wasn't there to observe it, so i don't know what i was, also i have nothing to compare me too. If depression entered in our genes it didn't come in through mom. I know the great joy part, i can relate to that. What can i say when i love too much? and... we had so much fun last night, another friend the one who shares my lightness. I friggin love it how we are. You do not see it in movies or on tv,  i wonder if one can read it in books? How can you write when... you know? there is an edge in you in me, in all the others, the missing link. Don and i, where are so good these days. We have a weekly date now, friday nights he rubs my feet while we watch  a dvd. Not willingly. But it was my ultimatum, "you are my husband, you can friggin once a week rub my feet. " that's it. And he does. It is amazing. Not that he hardly ever rubs my feet, i might even get more pedicural attention, from him, than most. I need so much loving, i don't understand, why i am not adored every single moment of the day. How can you think it is okay to not worship me continuously. Already if you gave me just a little more as you are giving me now, i would be happy. No not depressed, i haven't been for a long time, too much energy running through me continuously these days. We laughed so much, Don and i too tonight, about the movie. but i fall apart for touch, my skin is never saturated enough, i don't know why i choose the desert to be my favorite landscape, the 40 below my temperature. To have a friend is such a blessing, to have a human being  around ones own being for even a little bit of the time. I hear Don flip the pages. he loves that book that my not so flaky friend gave me. I could not possibly read it, actually i know my mother likes tragic books too, my light friend likes horror movies. I don't get it. Like i say, when i love a person, which i often do, i do have a good gene for loving easily. So to continue about that thought i had, that everybody in real life is rather weird, never in movies, they always play their part perfect. People must have tried to make movies that portray real people, but maybe even than it becomes a character. Never in my life. I don't even know me, least of all do i know you. Yet i love you with all my heart, i would do anything for you, but somehow i always end up with lovers who do not need my constant devotion, "just let me read." Please feel blessed when you have a lover that always needs you, that you can dote on him or her everywhere and all the time. I somehow never catch those kind of guys. My life is perfect, can you imagine, the cold night, the warm fire, candlelight and wine keys clicking, papers swishing..... If only your skin would touch mine.... It is a rather screaming tantalizing horror feeling, i won't say it, but you know my mantra from... that dark side.. that i know, just not very well.

hahaha if you get the joke of posting such a screaming picture now, you maybe do understand me a little bit.

halos

When you lay on your back in your warm suit on the snow,
NOW at this moment,
you might see this.

three sundog, in a halo around the sun
and  a sundog  from a second halo exactly overhead.

I found their names;
The one in between the trees is a sun dog.
The one above the sun is the upper tangent arc.
The one overhead (left top corner of picture) is a circumzenithal arc.

your heat, my winter

let me put some pink in no color

there is not much going on

here

right now

of course there is a lot going on, the cat is still awake, nibbling on some cat food, the fridge is kicking in, the wood stove is making sounds because i turned it down, stoves do that.

and what else? I hear Don's heavy breathing, he just went to bed a minute ago and is already sleeping. My heart beats fast, i wonder if i am always in survival mode, and if it ever will beat normal. The cat tries to get in between me and keyboard. now that is a little irritating.

I could write here about what works for me lately. Of course it is all very relative, because life happens as it does. Would it be better if i was totally different; a perfectionist or extremely slow?  We will never know.Well i do know because i am perfectionist and i am extremely slow.

I am the ultimate perfectionist, i am going nowhere.

so slow,  that sometimes i seem ahead of my time.

Still

i would like to tell you my secret

by now after reading this long introduction 

that i just write to get my fingers typing,

by now you might not put much value in it.

Still 

i like it

my own way

which has been tried by many before me and being found worthy.

And it has been brought to me by that book of Michael Singer, the untethered mind.
And i think i already have a post about it, nevertheless
here it is again.

The essence of it all to go with the flow and feel content, happy they call it.

So something happens in life
something bad
something that triggers us
something that creates disturbing feelings.

The first thing is to be aware of it, easier said then done, but i found practice makes perfect.

So in my head, i say to myself

now! Jozien tada! you got it!
 This a moment i feel..... irritated.
Back there the cat.
 Then i explore that feeling;
 where did i feel like this first?
Anything to open my heart to that feeling.
Feel it.
Let it pass through.
Now the cat, i love my cat, but i have done this with other things and sometimes it hurts a lot.
A LOT
Maybe go somewhere where you can curl in a ball, or whatever way comes to your mind at that moment.

When i actually do reach this point, next time i will applaud myself here while in tears, because i am
AWARE
at this moment
that i have these emotions.
I the observer.

And that is actually it.
I have found over and over
that the sun starts shining,
things that seemed so wrong, suddenly become right.

I did put the cat on the floor, i do do or say what seems right in that moment.
But often when possible i wait, because it takes a lot of processing for me, that awareness thing.

Now the trick is to not count on that it turns right,
because it is all in the eye of the beholder,
 what makes you upset might give another joy.

And what we learned from the course in miracles way back in them days is here true too
 in the end there is only ourselves to forgive.

hey i am okay with that. I am happy and all is perfect.
 Just the way it is

Try it out if you like.


Febr. 7 This morning  i woke up with a slight headache,  and was wondering in this way that i explained here. Then i thought; oh, maybe simpler is to just drink a glass of water. Which i did not do. Being in half sleep state, i kind of knew of which thoughts to let go, which i did. I forgot which ones as  something about feeling bad about nothing, i think i choose to be happy. Anyway there is a slight lingering of my headache, you probably know that feeling. But the headache is gone.
I did my morning stuff, and i get a phone call.
While talking on the phone i get upset, but not wanting to show it too much, i say things like,i don't understand it, good luck, i love you. I think it showed :)
The thing is i am not fully aware, standing back from my own feelings, as an observer. It is never too late, and i do that after. It is a tight feeling in my chest and throat.
I say to my self open your heart to it Jozien. But i can't really find the feeling, i keep wanting to say to the person, what the heck are you doing? I keep wanting to go in to the story of she is wrong and i am right. If the world only did it my way all would be well. So i become aware of that,open my heart to that. But then i start talking to my husband, and when talking it is very easy to go into the story. ( Which takes me away from what is really going on inside of me)
So i thought i better write it down here, so i know the process.

pause

to be cont.

two hours later. It is a happy morning. What always is amazing that life rushes in so easily and takes over. For me important to reflect.
And with all of this i think we all have to find our own way, what works for us. And you know if it works when you
FEEL BETTER

which can always mean many things, i also felt better, because i got a skype call, from somebody.. who was sharing with me some happy news, which makes me very happy.

Anyway before all that, i did get a chance to go deeper. I bring back the upsetting feeling, Asking myself , where did this start? The subtle answer to that was, somewhere childhood, different instances different situations. But i did touch upon that little girl deep hurt feeling, not knowing quite what. For me to go to the deep end, makes me think i am moving through it. Whatever really it is all in the mind. One day i  might not have to go to feeling of deep hurt, because it is well kind of, inflicting pain on myself.

So there, morning is glory
40 below here :)

ehhh the feeling had to do with  getting reprimanded, but also me the angel and my brother getting blamed for something, it made me feel superior.. probably not in a good way. I never worry so much about the feeling guilt, but i do want to say sorry about that, to my brother ( in my heart). I haven't quite figured it out. I don't think i necessarily have to understand the story, the story not so important.

To the glory of all!