Saturday, September 29, 2012
dreams where i find myself flying.
It used to be, because i found my self flying, the dream became lucid, where i knew i was dreaming.
Last night i didn't really became lucid, i just became aware i was flying,
like; oh i am flying.
I was in the dream actually following someone, i was in the army, i was following my father who was in the same regiment as i was, there was no enemy.
I felt i couldn't keep up to him. so i decided to fly, to be faster
that's were i became aware.
But as i tried to fly ahead, i was pulled back.
In my previous flying dreams i am often confronted with powerlines, and am scared to fly into them.
Last night as i was thinking: my fellow army can see me flying, they probably wonder how i can suddenly fly.
it's then i got too close to the electrical wires.
And never before in my dreams
this time i did fly into them
they felt soft
but now i got scared to land, i was afraid that i would feel the electrical shock when i would land.
I never did feel a shock upon landing, but that's when i lost awareness of my dream
Now a strange thing happened to me yesterday in real life. A friend i had some issues with, which i thought we had worked through, informed me that he doesn't want to spend time with me anymore....
And as i go on with my program ( lots of homework ) and chip away at a bison hide ( we got a bison and i am working the hide), the birds are helping me while i type here,
i do wonder.....
where it all ties in
the dream was neither negative nor positive
so was the incident with my friend
Friday, September 21, 2012
For my changeways program i had to set goals, and that was not one of them.
At the program i learned this week, that this program is only about managing one's depression. Uhmmm i actually think i have actually all my life done quite well that way. So what's new? I am supposed to set small goals and pat my self on the back after doing them. Well i did set two goals for this week and i did one
but having done that that, it turned out i need to something else , when i wait with that till next week a deadline has gone by and step one was useless.
And these photos mix me up, i like simple
As why do we need a bag around our bread and a bag to put that bag in and a car to drive it home etc etc
Yesterday i saw something beautiful, bicyclist are starting to use the driving lane on the riverdale bridge for biking. As the footpath is narrow and there is always lots of pedestrians. When more bikers use the driving lanes, car traffic will get used that. And hopefully someone doesn't get it in its mind to buy a bigger bridge, cars will just learn that driving lanes are for bikes too. Saying this, when we don't change no one will.
Yahoo! let Whitehorse be the bicycle and pedestrian capital!
It already is.
Alexander was saying in Medicine Hat you can't even walk to the grocery store, well start walking kiddo!
And no more plastic bags to me means a cleaner environment and no need to keep your bread clean form dirt which is created by the means to keep things 'clean'.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
June 26 2012
I feel very tired, more then ever wanting to curl up
Last night i dozed off watching the Russian Ark, All is always so darn synchronized in my life.
This program changeway, suggests, more social events
Well i say madly, my weekend had more socializing then normal.
Being with people does energize me
Yet i am so tired now
Or is it that i have been ignoring being lethargic and kept doing things.
Ha! i did a lot of little things
but not things like my writing or painting for an income
The program says; small goals, look at your succes......
I am in a phlox
what can be more beautiful
i just don't feel it
i'll do the dishes...
yes in soap berries
And i do want to tell you about my seed harvest, which i do find quite successful
I harvestest dock seeds, lamb's quarter seeds and plantain seeds,
and i do not winnow them
I eat them shell and all
and it's wonderful
i use them in baking, cook them with potatoes in soups, eat them with cereal, etc
Sunday, September 16, 2012
stonycreek mountains, June 26 2012
First, thanks so much Christopher and Brian!!!
Maybe i have always said, that i am easily depressed, but know it feels i never really knew that i actually am.
In the 2nd group session, i was annoyed and at the same time pleasantly surprised that the other group members were actually quite happy and definitely interesting beautiful people, very much like myself.
Now i don't really think that i wish i had known earlier, like if i had knew, and worked on this before, how beautiful my life could have been, haha my life was/is beautiful. I do feel a little sad for the people that are/were around me. I could have been more loving.
So that will be one of my goals , we have to set next week.
This week is about knowing what depression is.
And making a list of what i enjoyed in the past and not anymore. In the past few days, i came up with the fact that is not so much i don't enjoy the things i do, because i do, but the starting of them. Now after two days of practicing Astra's suggestion, i actually know there is a ton of things i didn't do anymore because i thought i didn't enjoy them anyway..... Haha it is a little overwhelming... And now that was one of the things bothering me, that i was so easily overwhelmed. go figure.
Actually what opens up now in my mind is , that i can actually enjoy anything, when i put my mind to it.
Do you know what i mean. That what i always know, that every moment in life is a new opening to infinite possible.
It is much grander then i ever realized.
ptarmigan eggs, June 26 2012
Over the last few days i have been very succesful in just doing things that first enter my mind. It was very tiring to push my self all the time. But i did spend way less time dwelling in that state of mind i do not like, and 'curling up'. As my life always full of miracles, as a miracle my dear friend Alice showed up at a point were i was wanting to give up. And in the evening i went to a birthday party. "I hate birthday parties" ofcourse it turned out enjoyable way beyond my expectations. Thanks Jay and Kathi!
I still slept 9 hours after. (one of my goals is to need less sleep) but still i feel i am getting somewhere.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
And personally i like winter anyway. But for now i am happy that it is autumn, and i am so happy i discovered soapberries, i still do dishes everyday with soapberries. Enjoying it as long as it last, And amazingly the amount of soapberries in my yard is amazing, i just don't know how long they stay on the bush, firm enough to be able to be picked for dishes. Unlike other berries i feel no desire to pick large quantities for future use.
i like to journal here for a group i am in.
It's called Changeways
Long story short; i felt depressed last March and signed up for this program, It started two weeks ago. We meet one morning a week)
Right now, i feel what bother's me most, it's an anxiety; i want to write here, but i want to do other things, but like often i go into a state of thinking about what i like to do best, and can't come up with the answer. Yesterday, succesfully so, i would just do what came up into my head first.Astra, the group leader, explained it as, our instinct says, to curl up and do nothing. but she went on in saying that often we would know what to do. And i did.
Now i do wonder, by doing doing doing, don't i ignore the fact that i just want to be, but i really want to give this program my best effort, and will do as i am told, and hopefully in a few weeks i will see a positive result.
What i do wonder, when did this anxiety start, My mother told me that as a young kid, i would be either very happy or lay on the couch... not so much miserable but maybe unable....
It's a long story
But don't worry, i don't fit the category, majorly depressed.
I actually think being depressed is a good way to be....
Sunday, September 9, 2012
a jewel i found in the forest, i left it there. as it rains i want to be moss, the green thick moss. can i be moss and be me at the same time. can i soak up the rain and smell like earth. the white pearls in amethysts beyond my reach. if i am real i am everything. this dream i live in, this dream that thinks i am only me. i scream and make the dark rough trees, that stand above me, shudder. only at the little creek the red-osier dogwood grows.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
And really picking soapberries is not high on my list, so when dishes have piled up i run out of the house and gather a handful.
Because they do get my dishes clean!
and shiny really.
I was quite surprised.
This is what i do:
i use a small handful of berries, crush them in some hot water, add some more hot water , whip them up with a whisk, add more hot water, sieve the water, add more hot water.
And you have this reddish dishwater, it doesn't look very clean, but it cleans the dishes!
and i have to say when you use an old plastic brush or dishwashing tub it will stain old plastic red like tomatoes do.
It works for me and probably as long as soapberries remain on the bushes, i don't think i get into storing them for future use.
Anything to reduce trash. This morning on the radio i heard something that irritates me. A study has been done and what they found out is that organic food is not more nutritious. Dahhh! That is not what it is about for me. It is that we can actually grow food without poisoning the planet. And i like to take it a step further, not to grow things, but harvest what already grows in abundance.
and reduce waste for that matter, i am on a mission again, that whatever i do buy is not wrapped up or packaged etc, not at all. It's possible, google it, people do it.
More on this as my cousin in France is trying to make a picture of a baguette walking around naked in town.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
what are the swans doing? Before we good even see them we could hear the swans trumpeting and making a lot of racket in the water.By the sound it seemed there were a lot of them,.As i approached them, there appeared to be only four of them.
I think one was already laying with it's wings flat on the water.
the first one, circled around and came back too
And i think swan no. 4 remained calm throughout the whole time.
What was going on!?